Super Bowl halftime becomes a full-time venture

Entertainment will soon include everything from SpongeBob, to the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, to an ‘Iron Chef America’ smackdown between Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart.

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To: The NFL Network
From: Epic Events Production, LLC

First of all, we wish to thank the National Football League for selecting our firm to be the official consulting agency for the Super Bowl Halftime Show (hereafter referred to as SBHS). After careful study, we have come up with a number of options for improvement of the event.

We fully support the decision to sign Bruce Springsteen as the featured performer this year. He will definitely energize the audience even if the battle between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals turns out to be Laurel versus Hardy.

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Showcasing the Rolling Stones in 2006, Prince in 2007, and Tom Petty last year has established the SBHS as a leading multimedia entertainment platform. To raise the event to new levels of cultural and economic value, here’s what we envision for the future:

In 2010, the SBHS expands to a full hour. An all-star lineup of performers will represent the musical spectrum. We’re thinking Clint Black, P. Diddy, Gwen Stefani, and the surviving members of the Grateful Dead. The musical component will be augmented with a live, real-time episode of “Extreme Makeover Stadium Edition,” tasked with constructing 2,000 bleacher seats that will allow local at-risk families to enjoy the second half at no charge.

Players on each team will use the expanded game break to interact with fans via individual blogs or join an online chat room hosted by Dr. Phil entitled, “Is Life About Winning or Just Guzzling the Gatorade?’

In 2011, SBHS becomes a two-hour extravaganza with a music venue on the north end of the field and the south end home to new kid-friendly features aimed at attracting younger TV viewers.

Tentative approval has already been reached with Nickelodeon to produce “SpongeBob’s Super Halftime Saga” with special 3-D hologram salutes to cartoon icons of the past. These include Krazy Kat, Mr. Peabody, and Clutch Cargo. There will also be a guest visit from Blue Man Group and a showing of the championship round of the Westminster Kennel Club dog show.

In 2012, SBHS becomes an all-day event, including a pregame parade through the host city along with opening and closing ceremonies at the stadium. Third on-field element will be an “Iron Chef America” smackdown pitting Rachel Ray against Martha Stewart in a battle for the best guacamole recipe.

A panel of celebrity food enthusiasts will do the judging, headed by bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman and ex-NFL great William “The Refrigerator” Perry.

Sideline commentary will be turned over to Jim Leher of PBS and candidates seeking the GOP nomination for president, all of whom will assemble in the broadcast booth after the game and participate in the first debate of the 2012 campaign.

Keep in mind this is just a short-term outline. The Super Bowl Halftime Show is a journey, not a destination. Let’s buckle up and enjoy the ride!

Jeffrey Shaffer writes humor from Portland, Ore.

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