Taking care of chores can help maintain a happy home. Children cook breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. from the left: Ian, Elizabeth, mother Nancy Marshall holding Charlotte, and William. (Melanie Stetson Freeman / The Christian Science Monitor)
A happy home and an orderly home can come hand in hand
When people tell me they’ve done their own happiness projects, I always ask, “What resolutions did you try? What worked for you?”
One answer comes up more than any other. I’m not saying that this is the most significant thing you could do to boost your happiness, but it does seem to be a thing that people actually do–and that boosts their happiness.
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This most popular resolution? To make your bed.
Now, it’s true that some people thrive on a little chaos. They find a disorderly room to be comfy and casual. When one of my friends was growing up, her mother made such a big deal of keeping the house clean that now my friend has gone far in the opposite direction. Very far. Most people, however, even if they may find it tough to keep things tidy, prefer to live in orderly surroundings.
It’s a Secret of Adulthood: for most people, outer order contributes to inner calm.
If you love a calm environment, making the bed is one of the quickest, easiest steps to cultivate a sense of order. Also, I get a real feeling of accomplishment from having completed this small task. It’s nice to start the day feeling that I’ve crossed something – however minor – off my list. It starts me off feeling productive, disciplined, and efficient.
Especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed, picking one little task to improve your situation, and doing it regularly, can help you regain a sense of control. Making your bed is a good place to start. It might help you build momentum to keeping other, more significant resolutions.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Gretchen Rubin blogs at The Happiness Project.
Jeremiah Wright, white births: Time to talk race with kids. In this March 25, 2012 file photo, Rev. Jeremiah Wright speaks in Jackson, Miss. (Rogelio V. Solis/AP)
Jeremiah Wright, white births: Time to talk race with kids
The Rev. Jeremiah Wright is in the headlines again, with reports that GOP activists have been considering attack ads that try (again) to tie the reverend’s incendiary comments about race in America to President Barack Obama, a past friend and former member of his church.
Meanwhile, the water cooler (or at least Internet) chatter is still flying about the Census Bureau’s report yesterday that white babies are no longer a majority in the US.
It’s time, we say, to talk with your kids about race.
No, not the “everybody is equal” version of the race talk. We mean explicit discussions about black and white, Hispanic and Asian. (OK, those last two are usually called “ethnicities,” but we’ll lump them all in together, since that’s what the the US Census did when it found that minorities – including Hispanics, blacks, Asians, and those of mixed race – made up 50.4 percent of births in the 12-month period that ended last July.)
Feeling uncomfortable yet?
Because if you are a white parent reading this, there is evidence to suggest you are reluctant to have this discussion with your children. Nearly 75 percent of you, according to the Journal of Marriage and Family, never or almost never talk about race at all. (And when you do, you might say “black” in a sort of whisper because, you know, you don’t want anyone to think you’re racist.)
The problem is, this avoidance doesn’t keep children from developing racial stereotypes. Many studies have found that white children have negative attitudes toward blacks – even when their parents believe they are modeling racist-free behavior.
In their wonderful book “NurtureShock,” authors Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman write about a 2006 research study at the Children’s Research Lab at the University of Texas in Austin. Doctoral student Birgitte Vittrup recruited white families who had already signed up to be available for scholarly research to participate in a study about race.
To reiterate: The parents knew the study would be about race. But then Ms. Vittrup asked one group of subjects to start having explicit conversations about the topic at home, suggesting parents ask and then discuss questions such as, “If a child of a different skin color lived in our neighborhood, would you like to be his friend?”
And the parents began dropping out of the study, explaining to Vittrup that they didn’t want to point out skin color to their children.
But of course, they were too late. Even toddlers recognize difference; their little brains are all about categorization, even if they make the sort of conclusions that make parents cringe.
For instance, one of the very first questions Vittrup had asked children in her study – before their parents started opting out to maintain “color blindness” – was whether their mom and dad liked black people.
“No,” said 14 percent. And 38 percent answered, “I don’t know.”
So much for “everyone is equal.”
Many minority families are already on the ball with the race conversation. That Journal of Marriage and Family study found that non-white parents were three times more likely to discuss race than white parents. (It’s a lot harder to buy into that “we want our kids to be colorblind” thing when your child looks like Trayvon Martin.)
But as we evolve into a majority-minority country, and as we face another presidential campaign tinged with racial undertones, it is all the more important that white parents stop feeling squeamish and start some open conversations about race, too.
Happy talking this weekend.
Earlier this month, Kylie Wodarski, 18, of Rockford, Michigan, heads downstairs to meet her prom date at the The Pinnacle Center in Hudsonville, Mich. (AP)
Prom progress: Less expense, more safety, less drama
I’m sure there is still a lot of drama around proms these days – both good and bad drama, but there also seems to be some progress in this cultural institution. My prom experience goes back many years to the time when it was a very big deal (sometimes ordeal). One had to have a date and be asked by the boy, even if he were put up to it by the machinations of mutual friends.
The dress, well it had to be the most special. Mine was made from a Jackie Kennedy inspired Vogue pattern of silk brocade my brother brought from Japan. And the hair, piled high and stuck together with at least a half can of Aqua Net (that smell still brings back memories).
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Oh, yes, and there was the date. Mine was, in my opinion, the best-looking guy in the high school. My priorities at the time were such that I programmed myself out of Advanced Placement classes to be with him.
The drama back then came from many sources, the decorations, the romantic couples, and the clever ways the guys snuck alcohol into the dance.
Now the date thing is neutralized to some degree. Teenagers often go in groups rather than paired up and they seem to have just as much fun. The awkward, expensive dinner before the prom is now in some cases replaced with a nice little “cocktail” party or dinner provided by the parents and where the parents attend and take gobs of photos. Some schools include a light buffet at the prom site to offset the dinner hurdle.
While a ridiculous expense, the worry over driving is frequently addressed by a group renting a limo. Many parents help with this because of safety concerns. In spite of these changes the overall cost can still get pretty crazy, especially if the family buys into the celebration.
In high school my son was the right “accessory” to be chosen by many girls at various high schools. The girls seemed to choose their entire outfit first and then pick a guy that would go well with it. My son was always willing to wear the right color tie or shirt and even the tall girls could wear their spike heels with him.
One family was so determined that their only daughter have the perfect prom that the dad asked my son to meet him at a clothing store. There, the dad chose and paid for my sons ensemble so that it went perfectly with that of his daughter. The pictures are gorgeous.
In spite of such rare excesses there are improvements in the cost, where many communities offer dress fairs at which girls who might not be able to afford a fancy outfit choose from a large selection of donated dresses and accessories.
The progress has resulted in changes that can reduce the expense, increase the safety and increase inclusion. There will, in spite of all this, be enough drama to create some long-lasting memories.
I don’t know if there is a way to have a teenage rite of passage with out a bit of drama.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Susan DeMersseman blogs at Raising kids, gardens and awareness.
Aishwarya Rai, a Bollywood superstar and new mother, has sparked an international discussion of body image. In this file photo, jury members Indian actress and former Miss World Aishwarya Rai and director Steven Soderbergh stand together at the Cannes Film Festival in Cannes in 2003. (Eric Gaillard/Reuters)
Aishwarya Rai called fat: Are the West’s body image ideals spreading?
A national treasure in her homeland of India, and a former Miss World, Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai has been receiving far less flattering attention of late, sparking an international debate over weight and body image, perhaps a reflection of a growing Westernization of body ideals in India that emphasizes maintaining a skinny physique at all times.
The 38-year-old actress often referred to as the “most beautiful woman in the world” gave birth to a daughter, Aradhya, last November with her husband, another famous actor, Amitabh Bachchan. But unlike global celebrities such as Angelina Jolie or Victoria Beckham, the new mother has yet to lose all of the weight gained during her pregnancy.
According to Yahoo News, new mothers are supposed to wait three months after giving birth before beginning a vigorous exercise or diet routine. For her critics, however, the six months that have already passed since her baby’s birth are unacceptable.
In fact, the Yahoo News piece cites a study by the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology that suggests that sudden and dramatic changes in a mother’s weight can be unhealthy for her and any future pregnancy.
These facts have done little to quiet Rai’s critics, however.
Only now beginning to step out in public again, Rai is causing a serious stir with her new figure. The Internet tongue wagging began in earnest after a recent video entitled “Shocking! Fat Aishwayra Rai!” went viral on YouTube, receiving over half a million views. The video, posted by a group called “Bollywood CIA,” juxtaposes before and post-pregnancy pictures of the star, with the sound of an elephant playing in the background.
ABC News reported on some of the snarky, and supportive, comments that have been pouring in.
Someone using the name ‘Sharonnkatha’ wrote, “The woman is in the PUBLIC eye! Her baby is 7 months old and she looks like she gave birth yesterday! Not to mention she has a double chin! Sorry, many of us have had kids and WORKED hard to lose it. Motherhood doesn’t give you license to be overweight.
In an e-mail to ABC, Professor Rachel Dwyer, A professor of Indian Culture and Cinema at SOAS, at the University of London, said she felt the criticisms stemmed from a more Western viewpoint that is starting to now make inroads overseas.
“I think this baby weight thing is a western obsession with pulling stars down,” she wrote. “Women who lose weight are congratulated and those who don’t are seen as letting themselves go. I’ve not heard of it in India before.”
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Recently, American supermodel Molly Sims received some attention for admitting publicly she loves the freedom her pregnancy has given her. Ms. Sims, who has walked the catwalk for Victoria Secret, among others, said she is all too happy to indulge her pregnancy cravings.
Rai has so far responded only that she is “enjoying “ motherhood, according to Yahoo News.
GPS app usage rising among teenagers with smartphones, as more and more teens use location services like Foursquare and Facebook to connect and meet up with friends. This is a screenshot from a "check-in" on Foursquare. (Foursquare/AP)
GPS app usage rising among teenagers with smartphones
There has been a lot of speculation but little really known about Americans’ use of location-based services (LBS) and geosocial services on cellphones. Thanks to some new research from the Pew Internet Project, the picture is starting to fill in.
Pew defines LBS as anything from GPS-enabled map services to, for example, nearby restaurant reviews using an app or browser on one’s cellphone. Examples of geosocial services are “check-in” services like Foursquare and Gowalla, the latter recently acquired by Facebook.
The use of both types is rising with smartphone adoption, Pew found. Smartphone use went from 35% of US adults last May to 46% this past February, less than a year.
At last we have some data on teen use of location services! As of last July, almost a fifth (18%) of teen smartphone users use a geosocial service such as Foursquare. That’s 8% of teen cellphone owners and 6% of US 12-to-17-year-olds overall. Not surprisingly, older teens use them more than younger ones.
I say “not surprisingly” because part of the enjoyment of check-in services is being independently mobile so one can spontaneously go to meet friends who’ve checked into a specific location. Of course, more urban kids could use public transportation, but that cuts down on the spontaneity a bit, and younger kids generally need some measure of permission from a parent to move around the city on their own.
Here are some other numbers on use of location services:
- LBS: “Almost three-quarters (74%) of smartphone owners” use real-time LBS info on their phones, “up from 55% in May 2011.” So “the overall proportion of adults who get location-based information has almost doubled” in less than a year – 23% to 41%
- Geosocial use went from 12% to 18% of US adults in the same May-to-February period. Ninety-three percent of geosocial service users also use LBS
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Anne Collier blogs at NetFamilyNews.
Malia Obama loved it: helping your teenager decide about sleepaway camp can be a tough decision. Our teen experts advise an open, honest and measure approach to talking about this fun American tradition. This Jan. 4, 2010 file photo shows President Barack Obama as he walks with daughters Malia, left, and Sasha as they return to the White House after a vacation in Hawaii. Malia, 12, went away at sleepaway camp this summer for the first time. (Charles Dharapak/AP)
Malia Obama loved it: helping your teenager decide about camp
Talk to a group of teens and they will tell you that they can't wait until the summer so that they can return to the sleepaway camp that they've been going to for years. They just can't wait to spend several weeks living together in a cabin often on bunk beds with others that they have come to regard as part of their extended family. And, many of these teens grow up and become too old to be campers and go on to become counselors at these same camps.
Many, also, keep their camp friends for years and include them among their closest friends.
For many teens, there is something so special about being away from home, feeling independent,and creating and sharing special moments with their peers. I recently spoke to my own daughter about why she loved sleepaway camp and she said that the girls in her bunk really gelled and formed incredible bonds. Oh yes. She did say that it was nice to get away from parents for the summer.
Keep in mind that sleepaway camp is not for everyone. I didn't like it. My daughter started going at age 11 and loved it.
Parents often ask how they will know if their child is ready for a camp away from home. Here are some general guidelines.
1. If your child is starting to talk about it then she may be ready.
2. A child who does well away from home may also be showing signs of readiness. A child who is uncomfortable with sleepovers is certainly not a candidate for four weeks at a camp away from home.
3. Adaptibility and flexibilty are important traits to look for in your child. If your child adapts well to changes then this is a good predictor that she will benefit from a camp that is suited to her.
4. Ask yourself if your child has a reasonable set of social skills. If not, then perhaps this should be dealt with before sending your child away from home.
5. Are you comfortable with the idea of sleepaway camp? If you are strongly against it then your child is unlikely to feel good about the idea.
If you have determined that your child is ready to go away to camp then first you need to find the right camp that meets your child's interests whether they include art, athletics, or even academic enrichment.
Next, I would suggest starting out with two or three weeks the first summer and increase the length of stay the following summer if all goes well. Finally, help your child prepare for camp by perhaps having them meet some of their campmates before camp starts.
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Act upbeat about it and your mood will be contagious. Keep in mind, of course, that sending your kids to sleepaway camp is a very personal family decision.
I hope it goes well.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Jennifer Powell-Lunder and Barbara Greenberg blogs at Talking Teenage.
Tyra Banks warns about the perils of skinny, and that's great. But what gets lost in the “models are too thin and therefore bad role models for our girls” discussion is that models shouldn’t really be role models for our girls who should have loftier goals. Ms. Banks arrives at the Time 100 Gala in New York April 24, 2012. (Lucas Jackson/Reuters)
Tyra Banks talks skinny. We say models model clothes, not life, for our girls
Supermodel Tyra Banks has been getting a lot of press this week for her “open letter to models” in The Daily Beast in which she praises Vogue magazine’s new pledge to stop using young teen models and those who appear to have eating disorders.
This move, she says, could do wonders for little girls, who have been subjected to increasingly twiggy beauty standards.
“When I started modeling, I used to see models who seemed unhealthy backstage at the fashion shows,” she wrote. “They appeared to be abusing their bodies to maintain a certain weight. These girls were booked over and over again for countless fashion shows and photo shoots. I’m sure many of you today have witnessed this, or even live it. Now, real progress is finally on the horizon. Vogue is stepping up, doing the right thing, and protecting that girl. Perhaps that girl is you!”
Well, thanks for the encouragement, Tyra. Sort of. Because, really, that girl is decidedly not me. Or my daughter, I hope.
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See, what gets lost a lot in this whole “models are too thin and therefore bad role models for our girls” discussion is that maybe models shouldn’t really be role models for our girls.
There’s nothing wrong with the “Vogue” announcement earlier this month. Nobody is going to take issue with Conde Nast International Chairman Jonathan Newhouse’s statement that “Vogue believes that good health is beautiful. Vogue Editors around the world want the magazines to reflect their commitment to the health of the models who appear on the pages and the well-being of their readers."
But the idea that this will change body image problems for girls misses the point. The models in women (and teen) magazines will continue to be thin and beautiful. That’s their job. (I mean, it’s not like aspiring to look like Tyra Banks is not particularly attainable for most women, either.) And having "thin and beautiful" as an aspiration – perhaps not the loftiest of goal.
So as Vogue changes its standards, what we can change at home is how we talk to our daughters about media, about the images in the magazines, and – all importantly – the way we absorb these messages ourselves.
Which brings up my favorite part of Ms. Banks’s letter: “To moms everywhere, we need to educate our girls not to fall prey to thinpirational images of beauty,” she writes. “So where do we start? By being very careful about how we talk about our own bodies in front of our daughters.”
Exactly.
7 ancient tips to good behavior, straight from the sage Erasmus and his compatriots, the esteemed Francis Bacon, Sydney Smith and Lord Chesterfield, as recommended by our resident happiness expert. English roses outside St. Paul's Cathedral in London. (Mary Knox Merrill/The Christian Science Monitor)
7 ancient tips to good behavior, straight from the sage Erasmus
This Thursday: 8 tips for how to behave yourself, from sixteenth-century scholar Erasmus.
One thing is true about happiness: there are very few new truths out there. The greatest minds in history have turned their attention to the subject, so while it’s often challenging to put that wisdom into actual practice, it’s pretty clear what kinds of actions are likely to yield a happier life.
Likewise, “tips lists” have been around for a long time. I get a big kick out of uncovering tips lists from the past: Sydney Smith’s tips for cheering yourself up from 1820, Francis Bacon’s tips for how to be happy from 1625, Lord Chesterfield’s tips for pleasing in society from 1774.
In De Civilitate Morum Puerilium Libellus: A Handbook on Good Manners for Children, Erasmus gave seven tips about how to behave yourself around other people. He wrote this list around 1500 A.D., and his advice has a long shelf life.
According to Erasmus, you should not …
1. gossip
2. tell unkind stories
3. boast
4. indulge in self-display
5. seek to defeat others in argument
6. interrupt people when they tell a story
7. be too inquisitive
What would you add to your own list? For myself, I need to add:
8. don’t “top” (meaning, don’t say things like, “Wow, you think that was bad, wait until you hear what happened to me”)
9. don’t keep bringing the conversation around to your favorite topics if other people don’t seem as obsessively interested in them as you are.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Gretchen Rubin blogs at The Happiness Project.
Rapper Jay-Z, who will take a music break to hang out with his new baby Blue Ivy Carter, hugged his nephew Daniel Smith as his as his wife, singer Beyonce watches the New Jersey Nets play the Miami Heat in April 2012. (Reuters)
Jay-Z music break for baby Blue reflects new daddy nurturer trend
We encounter our fair share of celebrity mom stories here at Modern Parenthood, so it was a nice shift this week when we heard about a celeb dad’s baby gushings.
Rapper Jay-Z, proud papa of four-month-old Blue Ivy Carter, told MTV news Monday that he will be taking a break from the recording studio to spend time with his baby daughter.
“I thought I would be more inspired with all the new feelings and everything that I’d have to write about, but it really happened the other way,” he said. “I just really want to hang out with her. I just want to enjoy those moments for a bit and I’m sure that feeling for music will come back soon.”
Hov seems to be onto a daddy trend here:
According to a recent report from Boston College’s center for Work and Family, a growing number of fathers see their role not just as breadwinner but as nurturer.
In a survey of nearly 1,000 dads with white collar jobs at Fortune 500 companies, with nearly half earning more than $100,000 a year, Boston College researchers found that a significant majority picked “both caring for my child and earning money to meet his/her financial needs” as the best way to describe how they viewed their responsibility to their children.
Most fathers in this survey, however, didn’t take all that much time off when their children were born. Only one in 20 dads took more than two weeks off after their most recent child was born, and only one in 100 took more than four weeks off. Sixteen percent did not take any paternity leave at all.
At the same time, researchers found that more than 75 percent of these dads would have liked to spend more time with their babies.
“Collectively, these findings highlight a noteworthy gap between what fathers desire, and what they seem able to do to adjust their work lives after their children are born, both in an immediate sense (e.g., through taking leave) and an ongoing sense (e.g., through using flexible work arrangements.)”
Jay-Z and wife Beyonce Knowles certainly have a lot more job flexibility than most new parents. (Forbes magazine ranked the pair as the country’s second richest celebrity couple, earning an estimated $72 million between May 2010 and May 2011.) And we’re quite sure that as Blue Ivy’s mom and dad go back to work – Jay-Z has announced that he will headline and curate a Philadelphia music festival; Beyonce is scheduled to perform three concerts in Atlantic City over Memorial Day weekend – childcare will not be an issue.
Still, we’re all for Jay-Z being part of this daddy trend, as well: The Boston College survey found that 82 percent of fathers agreed that family life made them feel happy and helped them be a better worker.
This was, perhaps, what was going on when hit the recording studio days after Blue Ivy’s birth to record his song “Glory.”
“Most amazing feeling I feel, words can’t describe the feeling for real.
Baby I paint the sky blue, my greatest creation was you, you.”
Will we soon hear lyrics about changing diapers? We doubt it.
Let it be: learning to let go, and live in the moment, instead of constantly worrying about the future implications of yours and your children's emotions. Take a deep breath, and simply accept what's happening right now. (Ann Hermes/The Christian Science Monitor )
Let it be: learning to let go and live in the moment
I just read a very powerful sentence in a wonderful book, "The Gift of an Ordinary Day," by Katrina Kenison. She said, “As soon as I stop wishing for things to be different, I am met by the beauty of what is.”
How much time do we spend wishing for things to be different? I am one of those “the grass must be greener over there” people – always wondering “what if.”
No matter what the present moment brings – whether it’s a child screaming in rage, a car that won’t start, angry words from a friend or relative, too little money – if it is negative, we tend to place blame elsewhere, decide we are at fault, or shutdown in hopelessness.
How hard it is to stop wishing for things to be different? What if we were able to say, “This is what I have to deal with right now. This is what is happening. Let me stay right here and pay attention. It’s OK if I feel angry, embarrassed, impatient, bewildered, disappointed, afraid." Imagine just staying in that feeling and taking responsibility for it.
We want to retaliate, blame, find an answer, sweep the moment away and forget. “The beauty of what is” might not actually be beautiful, but when I can stay with what is and accept it, something beautiful happens.
I might say to myself, “This sucks, I hate it, but it’s not the end of the world and I can deal with it.” I actually begin to relax and my emotions tend to soften a bit. When I react in anger, all that happens is I create more and more resistance.
We’re so used to passing the buck, blaming someone or something else, that it is hard to just stay still and acknowledge, “This is how I feel,” or “This is how my child is feeling right now.” Especially with kids, we worry what this anger means for the future, we fret over why it’s happening and when will she ever learn, etc.
Why can’t we simply accept that this is what’s happening right now?
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Bonnie Harris blogs at Connective Parenting.
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