Who, me? An overinvolved dad?

When he got tossed from a basketball game by his own son, he knew he had to change.

from the March 7, 2007 edition

Page 2 of 2

Page 1 | 2

I'd had to go inside and watch from the kitchen window. He was trotting around an imaginary set of bases and pretending to fist-bump an imaginary third-base coach as he headed for home. And I was thinking, "Why can't he fist-bump me?"

Before I became a father, I wouldn't have guessed that I had this sort of behavior in me. But two things happened to me after my son arrived.

First, I found out how much fun a kid can be. Being a dad turned out to be a great excuse for acting like a child: Wiffle ball and cartoons had come back into my life, and I was delighted.

But I learned a second lesson, too: that a first-time father, without really being aware of it, often turns into a bundle of anxieties. There is no feeling of vulnerability quite like being totally devoted to a child. Stunned to find myself so ridiculously blessed, I became sure that I would somehow mess it up.

The overinvolved dad clings to his kid not just because it's fun, but because he's afraid to let go.

I was fortunate. I hadn't reached the point of some of the most clueless fathers: I was not a neighborhood joke, and the police had never been called in. But then again my kid was just 5. I hadn't really had a full chance to make a fool of myself.

Of all the ways men mess up, being too involved with their kids might seem like a relatively harmless transgression. But what bothers me is that I suspect it's a pretty short leap from my overbearing driveway hoops behavior to the really awful stuff. Remember the guy who clobbered the 13-year-old linebacker because the linebacker clobbered the guy's kid? Or the guy who pulled a gun on his kid's hockey coach? Maybe those guys are just extreme examples of hyperinvolved dads.

Which is why I've resolved to start acting more like a dad and less like a "dadolescent." My son deserves a little room to grow on his own. The next time I want to play basketball, I'm going to the gym. I know some guys my own age there and we can get up a game.

But I don't think they'll go for me announcing the starting lineups.

1 | Page 2