Applying for a job can be daunting enough. But then the employer makes that dreaded request: "Please send three letters of recommendation." Now you can meet the company's requirements and enhance your prospects of landing that dream job – all at the click of a mouse. Just try our new service: LORON – Letters Of Recommendation Off the Net.
LORON removes the risk of asking for recommendations from previous employers and associates who may remember you only dimly or, worse, too well.
Just go to the LORON website, give us your credit card number, and fill in the online form with the facts of your choice. LORON provides glowing verbiage, keyboarded by our certificated language technicians, edited by an authorized consultant, and run through our ISO 9000 grammar, style, and spell-checker to eliminate errors of English usage.
Our economy package, LORON 1.0, includes praise appropriate for any work history:
"When you've come to know _______ as we know him/her, you will feel about him/her as we do."
"_________'s goodbye party was a moment of high emotion for all of us."
"We've never had an employee like ________ before or since."
"I cannot recommend ________ too highly."
"Of all the people I've worked with, _______ stands out clearly in my memory."
"If you can get _________ to work for you, you will be very lucky indeed."
LORON 1.0 letters are printed on 20-pound bond paper bearing a company letterhead such as International General or Consolidated Enterprises. These firms are wholly-owned subsidiaries of LORON, so your letters will be untraceable.
All this for just $19.95.
LORON 2.0 – our premier service – includes a glossy 8 in. by 10 in. color portrait of you (based on a snapshot you provide) enhanced by digital manipulation. You also get a signed photo (created with digital superimposition) of you in the Oval Office shaking hands with a recent president of your choice.
LORON 2.0 letters are printed on computer-generated letterheads resembling those of major corporations: America Express, Intranational Business Machines, and Mobile Oil. The letters are lightly misted with Ralph Lauren's "Alpha Male" scent. They are signed with a bold flourish in blue-black ink by an MBA wielding a fountain pen with a gold nib. The lower right-hand corner of the page – below the watermark – bears the distinctive impression left by a gold cufflink on the signing hand.
The letter includes high praise from imaginary employers:
"_____ makes the Energizer Bunny look supine."
"_____ could sell ugly to a wart hog."
"______ is a humanitarian who makes Mother Teresa look like Paris Hilton."
Should you desire additional academic credentials, framed degrees can be acquired through LORON, too. Just follow the link to "LORON Educational Affiliates" and learn how you can get an MBA from Cornelle University, an MA from Vanderbuilt University, or a Ph.D. from Colombia University. LORON 2.0 is yours for $39.95.
Coming soon: LORON 3.0. In addition to the 2.0 package, you get a computer-generated book-length biography of YOU, based on facts you provide and penned by a certified biographer. You get five copies of the book, bound in simulated leatherette, and photocopies of rave reviews from our proprietary publications: The New York Revue of Books, The Economalist, Vanity Fare, and Newseek.
Apply now: Don't let the facts of your work history keep you from landing the job you want.
• Dale Roberts, a college career counselor, lives in Asheville, N.C.