Backstory: Global warbling
It's a peculiar thing that as the threat of global terrorism reaches a crescendo, so apparently does the threat of global warming – at least that's what some would have us believe.
Tough language is borrowed from the war on terror and applied to the war on weather. "I really consider this a national security issue," says celebrity activist and "An Inconvenient Truth" producer Laurie David. "Truth" star Al Gore calls global warming a "planetary emergency." Bill Clinton's first worry is climate change: "It's the only thing that I believe has the power to fundamentally end the march of civilization as we know it."
Freud called it displacement. People fixate on the environment when they can't deal with real threats. Combating the climate gives nonhawks a chance to look tough. They can flex their muscle for Mother Nature, take a preemptive strike at an SUV. Forget the Patriot Act, it's Kyoto that'll save you.
That's why in 2004 we got "The Day After Tomorrow" – so we could worry about junk science that may or may not kill us in 1,000 years instead of the people who really are trying to kill us the day after tomorrow.
While the hawks among us worry about preventing the Armageddon that's coming, our modern-day hippies just want to make sure the planet is pristine when it does. In fact, the more menacing terrorism becomes, the more some people seem to worry about the weather. Scared and unsure how to fight terrorists, they confront "climate change," which only requires spending trillions of other people's dollars on something that may not need fixing or may not be fixable. No wonder some of these people chain themselves to trees – they think money grows on them.
Why are these people so worried about the environment, anyway? It's not like they're living on this planet. Speaking of which, scientists have recently discovered global warming on Mars. See that? Martians need to stop driving those darn SUVs!
Notice that the undercurrent in all the doomsday rhetoric is America as chief culprit in the axis of enviro-evil (just as it is in all the world's turmoil). Having found a warm and fuzzy cause to snuggle up against in this big, bad, scary world, the enviros pick a fight with the one guy they're not scared of: America.
Some even want to hold the United States legally liable for rising sea levels in other countries because of our high carbon dioxide emissions – even though a lot of people from those countries move here to do their emitting. (Can we be legally liable if half of them come here illegally?)
Whether human-impacted global warming is real or not, we shouldn't worry about the distant future. Using an enviro-doomsday computerized weather model, I calculated that our catastrophe-to-be should befall us soon after the caliphate has completed its takeover. Just in time to put the planet out of its misery.
• Julia Gorin is a standup comic based in Las Vegas.