Life's pattern of good

A Christian Science perspective on daily life

I was dating a very nice guy I'd met at church. He seemed so perfect. He was courteous, diligent, and just an all around good man – and I appreciated that. We had a nice time together, but it was pretty clear to both of us that it would be a mistake to get married.

So, I should have been prepared when he broke up with me after several months, but instead it hit me hard. It started to eat away at me that such a good man didn't think I was the right kind of woman for him. Even though on one level I knew we were doing the right thing, and that I actually was a reasonably good person, I started to question my love-worthiness.

The thought of not being good enough caught hold, and I had a hard time shaking it. And because I didn't nip it in the bud, that line of thinking gradually grew and took on a life of its own. I started to imagine that my friend had actually said that I wasn't good enough for him. Then I decided that meant I must not be good. So then what good was I? This train of thought repeated itself over and over, spiraling downward, as if sucking me into its whirlpool.

For a period of about two years I felt increasingly worthless and miserable. It was a constant battle between what I knew was true about God and His love for me, and what this mesmeric miasma was making me feel like.

One Friday afternoon, I went home for the weekend feeling desperate for an answer. My thoughts were no longer just dark – I was thinking about committing suicide. Even though I knew deep down that death wasn't a solution, I kept thinking about it.

All day that Saturday, I sat on the steps of a building where no one would know me. I went over and over the cyclical scenario of being no good and unworthy of love. And I kept asking God why I should live.

Once when I'd had another tough question, I'd persistently asked God for an answer. After a while, a very clear concept had developed in my thinking, to the point that I'd known without a doubt that it was God's reply.

Now this time, I was again determined to ask and listen for the answer until it came. After many hours, I trudged back to my apartment – without an answer. But I kept asking.

Back in my room, I sat on a stool, chin in my hands, staring at the rug. Despite its being threadbare and faded, I liked this rug. It came from my grandparents' house and had an alternating pattern of whimsical striped and flowered squares. As I sat there staring at the rug, asking God why I should live, this new thought came: That pattern is there simply to delight people. That is its whole purpose. Someone designed that pattern just to express creative joy!

As a matter of fact, wasn't that what all decorative patterns are for? And if a mere rug pattern was created with the purpose of expressing such a bright quality of God's nature, well, certainly I must have at least that much purpose! These ideas felt full of light, which helped me recognize that they were clearly from my Creator, God.

And that was it. I saw at that moment that I existed to express delight, and life, and joy, and beauty – even whimsy. God had created me to express His attributes in a unique, vital way. It wasn't even my choice. I had to.

Just that fast, the months of swirling negative thoughts vanished, along with the miserable mood and self-centered stewing. I was healed. All that mattered to me was expressing God's delight.

God had lovingly answered my need that day. In a way that spoke to me clearly, He had shown me a truth about my existence. Mary Baker Eddy wrote in "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures": "The spiritual fact, repeated in the action of man and the whole universe, is harmonious and is the ideal of Truth" (p. 207). I'd been shown this "spiritual fact" – my reason for being – and I knew that this truth had to be repeated in my action. So I stood up, and got on with living.

First published in the Christian Science Sentinel.

About these ads
Sponsored Content by LockerDome

We want to hear, did we miss an angle we should have covered? Should we come back to this topic? Or just give us a rating for this story. We want to hear from you.

Loading...

Loading...

Loading...

Save for later

Save
Cancel

Saved ( of items)

This item has been saved to read later from any device.
Access saved items through your user name at the top of the page.

View Saved Items

OK

Failed to save

You reached the limit of 20 saved items.
Please visit following link to manage you saved items.

View Saved Items

OK

Failed to save

You have already saved this item.

View Saved Items

OK