From China, with love: Grandmas come to care

On a summer Sunday afternoon, Joan and Sam Pho's white Colonial house south of Boston echoes with the cheerful sounds of children. As baby Christopher crawls around the living room, 4-year-old Brandon snuggles next to his grandmother on the sofa, singing a song with her. When they finish, laughter fills the air.

This is no ordinary song. The words are in Chinese, grandmother Kok An Yin's native language. It is one of many cultural gifts she has brought from her home in Ipoh, Malaysia, during extended stays with her daughter's family. Since Brandon's birth, Mrs. Kok has made this 9,500-mile journey three times. Her shortest stay was three months, her longest nearly a year.

"She just loves the kids a lot," says Mrs. Pho, of Canton, Mass., a restaurant manager. "She sees the baby's fat smile and she's stuck."

Kok is part of a small, largely invisible contingent of devoted Chinese grandparents who leave their homes, families, and friends for many months to care for young grandchildren in the United States. Their presence serves as a measure of the importance Chinese families place on the extended family.

"People still want to stay with their children and grandchildren," explains Amy Lin Tan, author of "Chinese American Children & Families." "The middle generation still understands deeply that it is an obligation to have the paternal grandparents living in the home."

No statistics track the number of Chinese grandparents who come as temporary visitors for this purpose. But as C.C. Tien, president of the Chinese American Forum in Seattle, observes, "It's not rare."

According to Ms. Tan, the grandparents come from three major areas: mainland China, Taiwan, and Hong Kong. The number of those from Southeast Asia, like Kok, is much smaller. Some arrive as couples. In other cases, a grandmother makes the trip alone. Kok's husband remains in Malaysia, tending their family farm.

"He keeps himself busy there," Pho says. "He says he doesn't mind, but I'm sure he misses my mother. My mom always worries about him."

Prepaid telephone cards, sometimes costing only pennies a minute, ease the separation. Pho's son Brandon sometimes bridges the miles by singing a Chinese song on the phone to his grandfather.

Kok also calls friends from Malaysia who are here caring for their grandchildren. One is in California, the other in New York.

These grandparents serve as far more than long-distance nannies. They also offer rich opportunities to pass along their language and culture to the youngest generation. Referring to Brandon, Pho says, "His Chinese is much improved since my mother has been here."

For Jimmy Hao and Angela Guo of Needham, Mass., international family bonds have involved both sets of their parents. When the couple's daughter, Daphne, was born two years ago, Ms. Guo's parents came from their home 300 miles north of Beijing. Her father, a mine safety engineer, stayed for three months. Her mother, a retired doctor, stayed six months. Two days after she left, Mr. Hao's parents, who live 200 miles north of Beijing, arrived. They stayed a year. His father, Changfu Hao, is a retired businessman.

"Grandparents love children so much they like to do almost anything for them," says Hao, who, like his wife, is a patent agent for a Boston law firm. Adds Guo, "They want to make themselves useful. My grandparents helped take care of us. Now they have some free time, and they want to help us."

Yet these long-distance caregivers face challenges. Most do not speak English or drive a car. "My mother always complained about the language difficulty," Guo says. Chinese movie channels on cable networks offer one connection with home.

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