When a man cares
Women were once considered the nurturers, but increasingly men are taking care of elderly parents or incapacitated spouses.
Ever since Jeffrey Alger and his wife, Tammy, renovated a room in their home to accommodate his grandmother six years ago, his mornings and evenings have revolved around caregiving.
At 7 a.m. Mr. Alger wakes his grandmother, Mary Stewart, bathes and dresses her, and prepares her breakfast. By 8 on weekdays, a van picks her up for an adult day program. When Mrs. Stewart returns at 5 p.m., Mrs. Alger cares for her until her husband gets home from work. Then he takes over, as he also does on weekends.
"It affects pretty much every aspect of our lives," says Alger, of Chattanooga, Tenn., explaining that his grandmother has been diagnosed with dementia. The Algers have three children, whom Mrs. Alger home-schools.
Say the word "caregiver" and most people think of a woman ministering to a spouse or relative. But men now account for nearly one-third of primary caregivers to older adults, studies show.
As these men - husbands, sons, and even grandsons like Alger - roll up their sleeves, they are quietly pioneering new roles and defying stereotypes. They are also discovering that all caregivers need more support at home and work.
A recent MetLife survey finds that women remain more involved in personal-care tasks such as bathing and dressing. Men are more likely to handle grocery shopping, transportation, and finances. The study, by the National Alliance for Caregiving and the Center for Productive Aging at Towson University, also reports that more men than women provide long-distance care.
Edward Thompson, a gerontologist and coeditor of the book "Men as Caregivers," explains that men approach caregiving differently from the way women do. "They come into it late, come with a lot less prior experience, and come with a lot different motivation," he says. Many men adopt a managerial style.
"Men are fully engaged, but they approach it as a task, rather than an all-consuming job," Mr. Thompson says.
Men are also more likely to take a different approach in caring for parents, he adds. "Sons come in with the desire to keep their parents as independent as possible, while their sisters seek to provide whatever services they think their parents need. Sometimes sisters do things too early from their brothers' point of view."
For Paul Linet of Boxboro, Mass., caregiving began five years ago when his wife, Susan, a pediatrician, was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. He also has primary responsibility for the couple's two teenage daughters.
"I'm a utility infielder wearing a number of hats," he says. "Caregiving is first and foremost." Still, it comes with challenges. "You need a whole different set of skills than you do going off to work. There's a definite frustration associated with that. You have to know how to raise your hand and say 'I need help' and not feel diminished by asking."
Yet many men are reluctant to ask for help. "Men don't consult enough," Thompson says. "They don't go to support groups. They go to conferences and information sessions and workshops - things that are cognitive. They're not necessarily interested in emphasizing that they need emotional support."
Beside emotional support, men need services that provide information and hands-on instruction, he adds.
Linet's learning curve included fumbling through the beginning stages of cooking. "I could make eggs and oatmeal," he recalls of his early days of caregiving. Now he and his daughters share the cooking. "They have certainly pitched in. We've been blessed that they're good kids."
Caregivers can also face challenges at work. Men are less likely than women to discuss the subject with co-workers, the MetLife study finds. In addition, more men than women must forgo work-related travel because of these responsibilities.
After Paul Gladstone's wife, Joanne, was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis eight years ago, he lost three jobs in two years because of her illness. His schedule was often unreliable when he needed to stay home unexpectedly to help his wife.
When the couple's two children were in elementary school, he did consulting from home for four years to give them stability in the midst of their mother's illness. He returned to work when they entered middle school. Now an aide comes in the morning, enabling him to get to work on time.
Page: 1 | 2 
