In the Shipley-Harris house in North Haven, Conn., December means Christmas, and Christmas means decorations. Hundreds of them. On counters and tables. On the six-foot Christmas tree. Nearly every nook and cranny is filled with holiday color.

But this year, as Vivian Shipley and her husband, Ed Harris, think about the holiday season, they're also thinking about Sept. 11 and why, once again, the perversion of religion has led to violence.

"So many atrocities have been committed in the name of religion," says Mr. Harris. "We'd all be so much better off if we stopped labeling ourselves 'a Christian' or 'a Muslim,' and learned to get along."

Harris knows something about getting along with people of different faiths. After all, he is Jewish, and his wife is Christian.

For them, the interfaith issue - in a marriage or a nation - boils down to two important precepts: Focus on similarities, rather than differences, and work toward the common good.

"I define myself first as an American," says Harris. When he and Ms. Shipley were married in 1981, he focused not on their different religious backgrounds, but on the fact that "we both worshiped the same God, just in different ways."

His wife agrees, adding that both Judaism and Christianity emphasize certain basic values: family, education, taking care of the weak, the old, and the sick. "We shared the same set of values, the same morals," she explains, and this was a top priority, especially since she had three young sons from a previous marriage. "Ed always put the boys first, and that was more important than whether he accompanied me to church."

"Religion has never been an issue with us," says Harris, who considers himself "a spiritual Jew, but not a very observant one." Still, this does not mean there have been no compromises. When the two were newlyweds, they, like many interfaith couples, had to negotiate certain issues.

Some decisions were easy. Shipley, who regularly attended a Congregational church, would continue going to church, and the boys would attend Sunday school as well. (Both spouses believed that a religious education was important.)

Harris, who had attended an Orthodox synagogue until age 10, and then a Conservative temple, would accompany the family to Christmas and Easter services. But he would not join them on a regular basis.

Harris understands that some might find it odd that he enjoys Christmas with the family, but does not light a menorah. "I love the whole Christmas season," he says, including the annual "argument" over which tree to buy and how to hang the ornaments.

For Harris and Shipley, the matter always circles back to their shared God and shared values. "When I go to church services with the family," he says, "I'm struck by the commonalities between the two traditions."

Harris does not view Jesus the way his wife does, but that doesn't bother him. "What's important is that you worship; how is not so important."

Clearly, Shipley and Harris have found a solution that works for them. But, say social scientists and theologians, one solution does not fit every interfaith family, and many interfaith marriages do not survive. Indeed, the divorce rate among interfaith couples is said to be higher than the national average.

That fact does not frighten Muhammad and Jessica Haider of Braintree, Mass. The couple, who are Muslim and Catholic respectively, have been happily married for a year and a half.

The two are looking forward to this year's holiday season, which for them began this past Sunday, on Eid Al-fitr, a day of feasting and celebration that follows Ramadan, a month of fasting and reflection.

"We have much to celebrate," says Mr. Haider, who goes by his middle name, Ali. After Eid comes Mr. Haider's birthday (Dec. 24) and then Christmas.

Eid is a fairly simple celebration, he says: Mosque in the morning and then a big meal with his uncles and cousins.

Christmas is spent with Mrs. Haider's mother, several aunts and uncles, their spouses, and lots of cousins. "There are usually 25 or 30 of us," says Mrs. Haider, "and lots of joking and lots of food, especially desserts."

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