As good neighbors, we try to fill a vacuum

My wife and I are the worst kind of neighbors: We're bad neighbors, but we think we're good. We read our neighbors' magazines before they do. We wait until after midnight to drop very heavy things on the floor by mistake.

But we try hard to be good. And never did we try harder than when our barbecue grill cover fell from our porch into the private garden below.

For most people, this wouldn't be a problem. Holler down a "Sorry 'bout that!" Or leave a "Didn't mean to" message on their machine. But not us. Our solution was to dangle a major household appliance over the railing in a bold attempt to retrieve the wayward cover ourselves.

Things might work differently in the suburbs, but in the city gravity tends to pull things in a downward direction. And in a building where we're stacked four high, the people on the bottom get the worst of it. "Is this yours?" they yell up from time to time, holding up a plastic flowerpot or a paper bag. Or we'll find something outside our door with a note: "Thought you might be missing this." Each time it happens we blame it on the wind and promise not to let it happen again.

Our promise became a solemn vow the day our three-pronged garden cultivator fell overboard. We spent 45 minutes trying to hook it with a string, hoping our long-suffering neighbors were not at home to catch us. Or worse, at home watching us dip the string and miss, dip and miss....

If we wiggled out of that one, we told ourselves (and we did wiggle out), we would never let it happen again. Ever. We meant it. And then....

"Where's the grill cover, honey?" I call one evening.

"Must still be on the porch."

"I didn't see it there."

"Give another look."

I look. "It's not there. You sure you didn't grab it?"

I'm tempted to look over the railing, but it can't be down there. I swore I would be more careful.

I grab the flashlight, just to be sure.

There it is. Looks like my 45 minutes of string practice is about to pay dividends.

I grab some string, tie on a couple of 5/8" washers for weight and stability, roll up some duct tape (sticky side out), stick it to the washers, and lower it down. This will be easy.

OK, so it didn't work the first time. Try again.

Hmmm, what else could I try? Caulk. I'll just put a little caulk on the end.

OK, caulk doesn't work, either. Maybe the cover is caught on something.

Glue, then. I get the Elmer's.

Still not working. Maybe the gluey part needs to sit on the plastic for a bit to dry. Be patient. I am patient. It's not working.

This is where I stepped past the point of no return. I could easily explain a plastic cover to our neighbors. But I don't think I could adequately explain one decorated with caulk, glue, and pieces of duct tape.

My wife must have caught my desperation. "Try the DustBuster!" she yells from inside.

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