A change of thought--not suicide
COULD I do it? Could I really climb out on the sill and jump? People walking in streets below me looked far away. There was the man I had been dating and was in love with strolling with another woman toward the park. Depression had brought me to this point often before. But this time I put my hands on the sash. Now I had to face it. Would it do any good to take my life? Oh, I could jump and put a period to the present circumstances. But my life wouldn't stop. I knew this for certain. I rather wished I didn't, because it would be easier not to know.
As a student of the Bible I had read and reread the Gospel accounts of Jesus' life. He had been crucified and buried. Then, to people's amazement, he walked among them again. He had the same body, the same wounds that had been part of his crucifixion, and the same compassion. He was not dead. He had even said earlier, ``Whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.'' 1
I really did understand something about him as the Messiah. His way of seeing the world was a lot different than mine at that moment. The fact that he had been resurrected showed me that man lives forever. This is why I knew that even if I jumped from the window, I would go on living--somewhere. I would be myself. Suicide wouldn't change me. It wouldn't end my awful thinking.
The answer was obvious. My thinking had to change. This wasn't a pleasant, simple solution. It meant doing something by myself. But was I really alone? I thought I was. Yet, deep inside I knew I had God, His infinite power, His great wisdom. Furthermore, I knew that man reflects God, Mind, as clearly as my image in a mirror reflects me. Man was created in God's image; so man must reflect the completeness of the divine nature, including God's thoughts.
Clearly, Jesus expressed the divine Mind without measure. Now if I could even begin to think the way Jesus did, that would be something. ``Take . . . no thought for the morrow,'' 2 the Master said, knowing that God provides all that we need, and that our primary attention should be given to seeking His kingdom and righteousness. The multitudes flocked to him because he could help them see something of the kingdom of heaven he knew to be right at hand. His love was a deep, unselfish love. This was the message that came through to me.
In the weeks that followed, my thinking began to change. Each morning I would ask myself, How does God view today? As beautiful! He created the true light and beauty of it. The divine Mind outlines the unfoldment of everything good, of all that really happens. His perpetual now is tender, love-filled, and progressing according to His good plan. In order to be receptive to His unfolding ideas, I had to stop wanting my way and to have people act the way I wanted. I had to thi nk of others the way Jesus did--spiritually, with love. I had to discern Christliness where each one stood, discern the true selfhood of everyone.
Then, I thought, I must love the girl who had been walking down the street with the man I love. She is blessed of the Father just as thoroughly as I am. I must love the truths that flood my thought whenever I turn to God. The truths are always there. God is eternal Truth itself, revealing His care for His creation.
Each day I studied the Bible and the Christian Science textbook, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy,3 with an eye on promises of God's goodness.
Changing my thinking wasn't easy. It meant clinging to God's promises when I wanted to cry. It meant knowing the truth of God's unfolding goodness for me and everyone else when I wanted to crawl inside myself and cut out the world. It meant giving someone a needed hug when I wanted one myself.
My fears of tomorrow, of loneliness and isolation, ebbed. These words of Mrs. Eddy comforted me: ``The beliefs we commonly entertain about happiness and life afford no scatheless and permanent evidence of either. Security for the claims of harmonious and eternal being is found only in divine Science.'' 4 This is the Science of God's love for His creation. I could rely on Him.
And I still do, many good years later, married to that man who was walking down the street. 1 John 11:26. 2 Matthew 6:34. 3 The Discoverer and Founder of Christian Science. 4 Science and Health, p. 232.