Washington's Farewell Address: the Trump version

In September 1796, George Washington made history by announcing his decision to not to run for a third term. Here's a Donald Trump spin on such a moment. 

Charlie Neibergall/AP
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks during the Iowa Faith & Freedom Coalition's annual fall dinner, on Saturday in Des Moines, Iowa.

Wow. Whoa. That is some group of people. Thousands. Good, you'll get your checks at the end of the day.

I won two presidential elections – unanimously. Nobody else's victory will ever be that huge.

It's a time for gratitude. You owe me, America. I've gotten older in the service of this country, but don't believe the haters. This hair and these teeth – they're mine! These past two terms have been a huge sacrifice. I'm really rich, and I could have spent all this time getting even richer.

But money isn't about money. It's about keeping score. And America's score is amazing: We're bigger and better and stronger than ever before. That's why you all love me.

So let's look back on what I've done for you. First, there was the Revolutionary War. Things didn't go well at first. There was that Nathan Hale guy. He was  no hero; he was a lightweight who got caught spying. I like people that don't get captured. And our ragged, dirty soldiers disappointed me. Those morons looked like they couldn't even buy a pair of pants.

But then we won at Saratoga. Huge, huge victory. Someday, it will be a great place to put a casino and a racetrack.

And then we won the whole thing, mostly because of me. King George – what a zero! I mean, come on, look at that face! These Brits can't win at golf, and they can't win at war. We ought to put a wall at the Canadian border – and make the Brits pay for it!

When the war was over, I went back to Mount Vernon – beautiful place, great view. But then the dummies in the government messed everything up, and I had to come in and run the Constitutional Convention. I went in and punched and punched and negotiated it all by myself. What a deal!

Then they made me president. Of course. And I was great. I fixed problems, like the lazy losers who wouldn't pay taxes on whiskey. Bunch of low-energy guys should go up to Canada, where the cold weather will wake them up.

Let me say a couple of words about international affairs. A foreign alliance is just like a marriage: It never lasts, so get a prenup. Seriously, I can get along with any of those guys – especially that up-and-comer in France, Napoleon Bonaparte. He reminds me of me, except that he’s a little shrimp.  Tell it to the necktie, Nappie!

Then there's religion. When you go to church to eat your little cracker and drink your little wine, say a prayer.  Give thanks that I'm president. The Man Upstairs will be happy to hear that. He's grateful for me, too.

OK, so this is billed as my Farewell Address, right? Well, farewell to that!  I'm not going anywhere!  Adams, you fat, bald moron, you will just have to sit in your little vice presidential chair and wait longer.

OK, that's about it. Remember: I cannot tell a lie, and if you say that I do, you’ll hear from my lawyers.

of stories this month > Get unlimited stories
You've read  of  free articles. Subscribe to continue.

Unlimited digital access $11/month.

Get unlimited Monitor journalism.