Care and handling of a husband

To get the most out of your man, follow these simple directions.

Scott Wallace - staff

Congratulations on the acquisition of your brand-new 2008 husband. You have chosen the best that the 21st century has to offer in the way of life partners. While your 2008 husband is built to last a lifetime, these care and handling instructions will help you get the most out of your man.

Laundry instructions

Although we have implemented many improvements in this year's model (e.g. limited childcare abilities and an automatic inclination to put the toilet seat down), we have not yet perfected an automatic laundering option.

Thus, you must repeatedly remind your husband to pick up his dirty clothes, sort his laundry by color, wash appropriately sized loads, and put away what's clean. Some owners have found it easier to simply perform all of these functions themselves.

Dressing instructions

Most husbands come with only two wardrobe options: work and casual. Therefore please ensure that you assist your new spouse in any clothing purchases in order to avoid nasty fashion surprises.

As in past years, the 2008 husband has preset fashion preferences which may clash with your taste. To date, we have yet to perfect an acceptable "color sense" module, although the deluxe accessory package does include a formalwear option for occasional use.

WARNING: Constant wardrobe monitoring is strongly recommended, especially on weekends. Your husband's repeated exposure to baggy sweat pants and holey T-shirts may void the warranty.

Cooking instructions

If you chose the deluxe accessory package, you can count on your husband to successfully cook meals on his own for many years to come.

The standard model, on the other hand, has few kitchen skills and a limited cuisine. Unless you're willing to invest the time necessary to train your husband in the culinary arts, don't expect much beyond making toast and boiling water. However, all models do come equipped with the outdoor barbecue function.

Listening instructions

Despite years of research, we have not yet been able to produce a husband who really listens.

Wives are free to urge their spouses to listen and "express their feelings," but we can offer no guarantees that you will achieve meaningful results.

Through persistent effort, some customers have trained their husbands to adopt a semisatisfying simulated listening posture.

Fitness instructions

Your 2008 husband is properly proportioned and in good shape. However, in order to retain these features, you must insist on a strict regimen of daily exercise and a balanced diet.

Failure to keep your husband active and eating properly can result in a sluggish spouse with a widening waistline and a sagging seat.

CAUTION: Do not rely on in-home exercise equipment and always ration soda, pizza, and chips carefully.

Romance instructions

Although the listening capabilities of the 2008 husband are limited, he does possess excellent eyesight. Thus, in order to activate the romance function, emphasize visual stimuli. Sophisticated conversational and emotional skills are still not available, but our engineers hope to have an improved product ready by the next millennium.

LIMITED WARRANTY: Our 2008 husband is guaranteed against defects in workmanship for 90 days. If for any reason you wish to return your husband during the warranty period, we will issue a full refund – but only if he is returned in his original packaging. After that, you're on your own.

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