How to enhance youth soccer

Let’s put in inflatable tunnels for the kids to run through and portable luxury boxes for the parents.

A new season of youth soccer is happily under way. As thousands of little weekend warriors go back into action, soccer moms and dads from coast to coast must ask themselves two important questions:

1. Is this activity giving everyone involved maximum personal fulfillment? 2. If not, what can be done to enhance the overall experience?

Fortunately the answers you need are all available at Total Package Enterprises (TPE). We are now emerging as a national leader in the field of aspirational development. We know that a crucial element in becoming a champion athlete is learning what it feels like to be a champion.

Do not hesitate. By signing up with TPE right now, your team will immediately enjoy a multitude of exciting benefits that include:

•An inflatable tunnel that transforms each entrance onto the playing field into a truly awe-inspiring event. A high-fidelity sound system provides added emotional intensity. All musical preferences can be accommodated, but we recommend the initial team appearance be accompanied by “Thus Spake Zarathustra” or the theme from “Shaft.” Colored smoke and pyrotechnic displays are available for a nominal extra charge.

•Strategically placed videocams that are connected to our patented mobile JumboTron for instant replay of goals scored and other highlights. TPE retains use of the screen at half time to show commercials, movie trailers, and wedding proposals from fans in attendance.

•Portable luxury boxes that provide spectators with comfort and status impossible to duplicate with any picnic blanket or folding patio chair. Catering services are provided upon request. Please make note of vegan restrictions, opposition to high fructose corn syrup, and other dietary considerations when filling out order forms for snacks and refreshments.

•Play-by-play broadcast on low-power FM frequency that can be tuned in by all radios on-site and in the surrounding neighborhood. Data collected so far indicates some transmissions may be causing audio disturbances in small-breed dogs. We suggest leaving pets at home.

•A postgame interview segment that gives all participants valuable practice in an area that champions must deal with: Unscripted media questioning. Developing glib speaking skills and the ability to provide usable sound bites are now a crucial element of athletic career development.

Kids will learn basic techniques of stating the obvious (“We just figured out a way to get it done”) as well as bland platitudes (“It’s important to stay positive”) and ego control (“My teammates deserve all the credit!”).

The decision is yours. If you’re satisfied just standing on the sidelines waving a giant foam-rubber hand, that’s fine. Just remember, your kids deserve a giant step toward the goal line of future success.

Jeffrey Shaffer writes humor from Portland, Ore.

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