Scientists admit global warming is a hoax
[Editor's note: Please note the date of publication above, and take the following story in the spirit of the day.]
In an unprecedented move Wednesday, the Norwegian Nobel Committee rescinded the Peace Prize it awarded in 2007 to former US vice president Al Gore and the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, amid overwhelming evidence that global warming is an elaborate hoax cooked up by Mr. Gore.
A press release from the committee quotes a chagrined Rajendra Pachauri, the UN climate panel's chair, who claims that he was the victim of a "cunning deception spanning decades":
"I am deeply ashamed for having unwittingly perpetuated such a massive fraud on the governments of the world," said Mr. Pachauri.
"It turns out that all that data from satellites and radiosondes, surface temperature readings, borehole analysis, measurements of rising sea levels, melting glaciers and permafrost, phenological data, and proxy reconstructions of paleoclimatic conditions were all fabricated out of thin air by my former friend, Al Gore.
"Now that I think about it, I suppose that we should have instituted some sort of peer-review process before publishing such alarming conclusions. Once again, I'm very sorry."
After revoking the 2007 prize from Gore and the IPCC, the Nobel committee retroactively awarded it to the more than 31,000 people who signed the Oregon Petition – an appeal challenging the notion that there exists a scientific consensus regarding global warming – "for their efforts to pursue pure, objective science that is free from the influence of any special interest group."
The prize of about $1.53 million will be divided equally among the petition's signatories, whose expertise ranges from astrology to Intelligent Design.
For his part, Al Gore has owned up to duping the scientific community. In a blog post on his website, the ex-Nobel Laureate explains the genesis of his scheme, "now that the jig is up."
"As long as I can remember, my only goal in life has been to destroy free-market capitalism and replace it with global totalitarian socialism. But it seemed that traditional methods, such as guerrilla warfare, were proving unsuccessful. Then, one day in 1988, as I was strolling through the halls of my giant mansion, it hit me: carbon dioxide.
"By striking at the molecule that lies at the heart of industrial civilization, I could bring the whole system to its knees and usher in a workers' paradise.
"The rest just sort of fell into place. I wrote a book, held some Congressional hearings, made a movie, dashed off a few pseudonymous journal articles on radiative forcing, and the next thing you know, I was on TV with Dave Matthews and Ludacris convincing people to purchase carbon offsets. Carbon offsets!
I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for that darn petition."
The New York Times quotes NASA climate scientist James Hansen, one of the most outspoken advocates of limiting greenhouse gas emissions, who says he bought Mr. Gore's ruse "hook, line, and sinker."
"I have to admit, Al got me good," said Mr. Hansen as he packed up his personal belongings at his office at the Goddard Institute for Space Studies in New York. "Despite my decades of experience in climate modeling and satellite meteorology, I would just get mesmerized whenever he started showing me all those fancy charts and tables. The man is a real Svengali."
Not all scientists were fooled by Mr. Gore's ruse, but many remained silent nonetheless. The Associated Press quotes an anonymous marine biologist at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, who says she knew all along that "this climate change stuff was completely bogus."
"But I played along," she said. "The opportunities for securing global-warming-related grant money were just too great for me to resist."
"Sweet, sweet grant money," she added.
Following the Nobel committee's announcement, national scientific academies from 187 countries hastily drafted a joint statement denouncing the theory of anthropogenic global warming and expressing a renewed humility in the face of complex natural phenomena:
It is our hope that, whenever future generations find themselves swayed by the notion that one can derive generalizations about the physical world by gathering measurable data and subjecting it to logical analysis, they will recall the humbling and extraordinary events of today, April Fools Day, 2009.
The only major scientific body not to sign the statement was the Royal Society of Canada, whose country has been brought to a standstill by a massive infestation of polar bears.