A drumroll, please, for this year's award-winning fathers: Daddy Longlegs Award: To the father in the flapping bathrobe who chased and flagged down the school bus so he wouldn't have to drive the kid to school again.
Fatherland Award: To the father who treasures family history and insisted on showing his kids his childhood haunts when they visited his hometown.
Unfortunately, his elementary school had been demolished and replaced with a strip mall and Twisted Ted's Tattoo Parlor.
Johnny-Come-Lately Award: To the father who always gets stuck taking the last shower after the rest of the squeaky-clean clan has sucked every ounce of hot water from the tank.
Papa Hemingway Award: To the father who rewrites the rules to every board game, whether Candy Land or Monopoly, so it can be played in under 15 minutes. He gets away with it, too, until the kids learn to read.
Pa Kettle Award: To the brave father who stalks and traps live visual aids in the basement so his child can chalk up extra points for the chapter on insects.
Father Time Award: To the father who stood in line in the rain for 45 minutes lugging a weary 50-pound kindergartner on his back for a two-minute ride on Dumbo.
Father of His Country Award: To the father who supervises the young souvenir shoppers on the family vacation and successfully convinces them that Granny would like the $3 potholder shaped like Tennessee better than the $42 portrait of Elvis made from jelly beans.
Paparazzi Award: To the proud father with the video camera who captured on tape all three minutes of his daughter's Queen Isabella acting debut by squatting between the Pinta and the Santa Maria.
Pop Goes the Weasel Award: To the father with the excellent memory who hits up every co-worker whose kid has hit him up in the past decade to buy the school's fund-raising pecan logs, thin sausages, and meadow-scented candles.
Daddy Warbucks Award: To the father who demanded a refund on cotillion classes after his fifth-grader was pelted with hors d'oeuvres.
Father Goose Award: To the father who still believes in fairy tales, such as the one where his middle-schooler swears, "You won't even know my 12 friends are sleeping over. We won't make a peep. Promise. You're the best dad in the world."