I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. Not that anyone's asked me. Not that I even want the job. Of ruling the world, that is. But the way things are going, the world could do worse. And the time could arise when I would be called upon to do my duty for my planet. Anyway, ever since my brother made me an honorary Boy Scout, my motto has been "Be Prepared." And so I've come up with a few ideas of what I'd do it I ruled the world.
I. If I ruled the world: -- Chocolate would be mandatory at every meal.
-- Airplane headsets wouldn't hurt my ears.
-- Bugs Bunny would be a real person whom I could meet, and talk to, perhaps even share a common carrot with.
-- There would be no elevator music.
-- There would be no scary movies (whodunits and Agatha Christie stories not included).
-- War would be out of the question.
-- Hunger would be a nonentity.
-- Everyone would be born with the ability to play the saxophone.
-- No one would be required to play.
II. If I ruled the world: -- Third-person singular and plural would be outlawed. I, you, and we would be the only acceptable points of reference.He, she, and they would no longer be acceptable.
III. If I ruled the world . . . Robert Redford would ask me out to dinner, and I would decline the invitation, explaining that I don't date married men. However, . . .
IV. If I ruled the wolrd . . . Robert Redford would not be married.
V. If I ruled the world, no one would rule the world. We'd all get along very nicely, thank you, all by ourselves.
VI. (a progression)
If I ruled the world, "America the Beautiful" would be the National Anthem.
If I ruled the world, there would be no national anthems.
If I ruled the world, the world anthem would be "Imagine," by John Lennon, which would only be superseded by an intergalactic anthem, uniting the universe, probably "Stardust," by Hoagy Carmichael.
VII. But . . .
VIII. If I ruled the world: -- 1. Everyone would expect me to solve his problems.
-- 2. I'd be blamed when things went wrong.
-- 3. I'd never have a minute to myself.
-- 4. I'd have to go on all the talk shows.
I hate talk shows.
IX. Which is Why
X. I'm Glad
XI. I Don't
XII. R ule the World.