And the (zillionth) winner is ...

With some innovative – and ludicrous – new prizes, the writer honors, well, just about everyone

The awards season – we hope – is over. (There’s usually a two-week break in July, although the Frida awards, given by the Mustache Association of America in honor of Frida Kahlo, are still to be handed out.) Once again, I have not been given a Tony, Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, or anything voted on by anyone other than my butcher. (My hopes for a Frida have been dashed by an inadvertent close shave on the left side of my lip, forcing me to walk around in profile.)

This is why I would like to suggest some new awards, so that instead of a mere 50 million winners, each American, especially me, can hold a statuette and say, “I’d like to thank my agent.”

The Foxies: In honor of perpetually upset Fox News personalities, these soiled copies of artist Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” will be awarded to the person outraged by something – anything – for the longest period. Winners will be judged by the length of their outrage and not by what is outraging them. Thus a restaurant patron who refuses to leave the table for 24 hours because there is a charge for an extra cup of coffee would win a Foxie over someone who merely plans to hold his breath until Barack Obama confesses he is a Muslim.

The No Ways: This ice sculpture of a cold shoulder is given to the family with the most relatives not speaking to one another at a wedding. The award derives from the traditional, “Put me at the same table as Uncle Barney? No way!”
The NMF – Not My Fault: An alarm clock with one hand missing will be presented to the college student who comes up with the most creative reason for failing a test. So far, entries include: “I know it isn’t very legible, but I momentarily forgot I wasn’t in Latvia, my adopted homeland.” And: “The person next to me was wearing a perfume that fogged my brain. Plus, I’m guessing it was a guy.”

The Snoozies: A deluxe La-Z-Boy lounger will be awarded for the cable documentary that puts the most viewers to sleep the fastest. So far, the Can’tGetEnoughOfTheRoyals channel is leading with its reality show “I Want To Be A Corgi for the Queen.”

The Orville: Named in honor of Mr. Popcorn himself, this brass kernel is given annually to the movie theater able to charge the most for the smallest bag of popcorn. Among the contestants are the truffle-buttered bag sold in a West Hollywood theater, and the kiddie-size container, with 20 percent unpopped kernels, from an East 57th Street movie house in Manhattan.

The Chuck: Given to people who are so desperate to win an award that they will do anything, including thanking the entire nation of Romania. As the first, and possibly last, winner of this award, I, too, would like to thank every Romanian, and a few Latvians, for all they did to ensure that I would get to hold this statue of a man on his knees, begging. And I would like to thank my agent. If he ever calls me back.

• Chuck Cohen writes from Mill Valley, Calif.

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