Have you decided to upgrade the value of your property with a brand-new carpet of thick, luxurious grass? That's a great idea, and we can help you get started because WE WANT YOUR OLD LAWN.
It's true. We are Greens of Dreams, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people across the country experience the satisfaction and emotional rewards of lawn ownership. With just one phone call, our crew of professionally trained turf transporters will drive to your home, expertly remove your used lawn in minutes, free of charge, and begin the process of relocating it to a family in need.
Thanks to new developments in soil technology, each donation is meticulously cleaned and reconditioned to eliminate fungus, mites, bacteria, nematodes, and other biological contaminants. Our patented electro-steam treatment ensures a standard of quality that will never be compromised.
Who needs Greens of Dreams? The list of clients we have helped is long and diverse. Every year, hundreds of lawns are suddenly and brutally destroyed by flooding, landslides, earthquakes, and other cataclysms of nature. The loss can have serious negative effects on the morale and self-esteem of children and adults alike.
That's why your donated lawn is so important. Greens of Dreams works to match a deserving family with a secondhand lawn that satisfies their landscape conditions and household dynamics.
Here is an excerpt from one of many letters of gratitude we've received during the past year:
Dear Green Dreams Folks –
After our front lawn was incinerated by a bolt of lightning, our son Timmy became moody and sullen. He spent hours in his room playing violent video games. After calling you, we received a beautiful replacement lawn within days. Timmy was thrilled. He now spends more time outside lying on the grass, his grades have improved, and he is talking about getting a summer job at our local golf course.
Sincerely, Enid G., Six Corners, Nev.
Such testimonials are not unusual. Another client told us he was inspired to go back to college and pursue an advanced degree. His PhD dissertation will examine the history of grazing rights in the American West. It is simply impossible to calculate the positive impact a new lawn can make in restoring hope, confidence, and optimism about the future.
But in order to keep hope alive, a steady supply of previously owned lawns is essential, and that's where you come in. Don't worry about clover, dandelions, divots, or dead spots. One person's weed patch can become someone else's slice of paradise.
Right now, somewhere in America, a family is staring at a bare expanse of ground, longing for the familiar sight of tall fescue, rye, or bent grass. They need you to pick up the phone and call 1-555-GREEN2GO. Because a lawn is a terrible thing to waste.
• Jeffrey Shaffer writes humor from Portland, Ore.