The end of the line for customer patience

The owners of the lush lawns and cookie-cutter single-family homes sprouting all over

This article might be monitored to ensure quality assurance. If you are using your left eye to read this, press 1. If you are using your right eye, press 2. If you are reading this with your eyes closed, please hold so we can connect you with a customer service operator.

If you wish to read this article in English, press 1. Spanish, press 2. Italian, 3. Latin, you're out of luck.

If you would like this article read to you, press 1. If you would like it read to you in English, press 2. Spanish, 3. Italian, go to the Olive Garden and ask a waiter.

If you would like to purchase this article, press 1. If not, what good are you? I mean, press 2.

If you would like to speak to the person who wrote this article, jump up and down three times and press 1. If you would like the author of this article to clean your gutters, press 2; scrub your bathtub, press 3; scratch your back, press 4.

Thank you for waiting. Your call is very important to us.

If you are having problems with your home life, press 1. If you are contemplating hurting yourself or others, please press 4 and wait for the next available operator. Please do not hang up, as someone will be here shortly. Press 4 to see how many calls are in front of you and for an estimate of your wait time. Sorry, that box is full. As you have reached our office at a particularly busy time, please try again later when we typically have fewer calls. Say, perhaps, 3 a.m. Or please leave a message and your call will be returned within seven to 10 business days.

Thank you for waiting. Your call is very important to us.

To read this article, please enter your 27-digit express service code that can be found on the inside lid of your washing machine. Enter your address, including ZIP Code. For the letters in your address, please press the letters on your touch-tone pad. Then enter your Social Security number, along with the balance of your checking and savings accounts.

When you have finished entering your account numbers, please enter first wife's maiden name. Then enter your dog's name, including middle name.

Thank you for waiting. Your call is very important to us.

"Hello, customer service."

"I'm calling about this article I'm reading. I have a complaint to make."

"Is this a home-based complaint or a corporate-based complaint?"


"I'm sorry, you have reached our corporate-complaint department. Please hang up and call 1-800-CALLSOMEONEWHOCARES."

of 5 stories this month > Get unlimited stories
You've read 5 of 5 free stories

Only $1 for your first month.

Get unlimited Monitor journalism.