My tax consultant patiently explained why my quarterly taxes were increasing in the coming year. I was trying to remain calm on the outside, but on the inside I was frozen in fear. I thought, "How am I ever going to do this? It's already hard enough to make the current payments."
Since becoming self-employed over a year earlier, I had spent lots of time trying to figure out how everything would work out financially. Even though I always had enough, I was tired of living in fear. When I heard this latest news, something within me said I could be willing to turn to God for an answer - pray about removing the fear just as I'd prayed about so many other challenges in my life and found lasting solutions.
I reached out to God with my whole heart for some idea that would help. Almost immediately I heard His message that said, "You don't have any reason to be afraid." I could hardly believe this answer because I had just finished a long list of what I believed were well-thought out and logical reasons for fear. But feeling desperate and willing to hear God, I decided to believe in and trust this message. That night, the mental turmoil began to dissolve, and I fell asleep peacefully.
The next morning I found further inspiration. For some time I had been yearning to live more consistently according to God's direction. But I found it difficult to admit that I could do this because I felt that first I had to have financial security, and then I would be able to obey wholeheartedly. As I listened to God, I heard this message: "The reason you can be faithful, obedient to what I'm asking you to do is because I am faithful and constant in My love and care for you."
Immediately my thinking began to change. I started to focus less on what I was trying to accomplish and more on what God was always doing for me - how He was loving, guiding, and caring for me. It's God, Love, who was giving me all that I need to go forward and do my work. It's not up to me to try to get things together myself. What I was being asked to do was to yield to God's love, to admit that His love for me is here now, and it is abundant.
I thought of Jesus, who said, "I can of mine own self do nothing" (John 5:30). He knew that he was never acting on his own, nor was it up to him to figure out how to fulfill his mission. He leaned on God for everything - strength, supply, power, peace, love. Mary Baker Eddy, the Discoverer of Christian Science, wrote: "Jesus did his own work by the one Spirit. He said: 'My Father worketh hitherto, and I work' " ("Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures," page 79).
I felt God's love so deeply that the fear about paying my taxes dissolved. I knew that God was giving me all that I needed every moment and that I could trust God's love and care, even if I didn't know how things would turn out. I felt directed to open a special account where I could save for my taxes.
I had a new expectancy that I would have money to put into the account. Within the first week, I had a sizable amount of money to deposit. From that point on, it was effortless to save money, and in a short time I had everything needed to make the payment. The fear about finances has not returned; I've found lasting freedom.
My desire to be more obedient to God was also answered. When I discovered God's great love, I stopped insisting that my finances had to be in a certain state before I could obey Him. I found it natural to want to listen to and to love God more. The Bible says: "We love him, because he first loved us" (I John 4:19).
It's tempting to believe that we are alone and that through our own human will we have to try and manipulate things to make them work. But turning to ever-present divine Love enables us to hear the ideas we need and feel the power that brings progress.