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Clinton's State of the Onion Address

President Clinton gave his State of the Onion speech last week. He wants to peel away all the unnecessary layers, slice it, dice it, and privatice it, yet in a way that won't lead to tears. To show he means business, Mr. Clinton promised to use the power of a line-item veto to cut support for research on the sensitivity of plants. Such knowledge would only weigh on our consciences during the dicey days ahead.

So Americans would know who the real cooks are, Republicans wore chefs' hats and hungry grins while comparing the sizes of their cleavers.

Our Onion is a good Onion, Clinton said, though it did show some signs of increasing bitterness last November. Closing on an optimistic note, he asserted that the Onion's salad days still lie ahead.

Stephen Hiltner Ann Arbor, Mich.