Home at last

Oct. 1, 1982

Phil, your next piece is due in two weeks. Don't disappoint. Editor, Home Forum Oct. 4

Dear Ed. Thanks for your memo. You can count on E.T. and me. My Extra-ordinary Typewriter and yours truly have been an inseparable team for eighteen years. We will not fail you! P -- Oct. 7

P -- My assistant informs me a complication has arisen. Explain, please. Ed -- Oct. 8

Dear Ed. The unspeakable has happened! Aliens have taken E.T. My wife claims he went trustingly with her this morning to a repair shop for a complete overhaul. What indescribable tinkering will that insensitive race of mechanics inflict upon my faithful companion? I'm inconsolable. P -- Oct.11

P -- I'm returning your penciled plot line, which was an unacceptable substitute for promised commitment. Expect your completed offering forthwith - tempus fugit! Ed -- Oct. 13

Dear Ed. When I returned home this evening I found a ransom note from the aliens in my mailbox. Their terms for E.T.'s release are absolutely outrageous. My spouse has counseled me to negotiate. I shall never forgive myself if those beasts have harmed a single key of my dear friend's console. P -- Oct. 15

P -- This was the date I was to have received your ms. Instead you have sent me a repair statement. Borrow another writer if you must. You have till Monday a.m. (the 18th) to comply. Ed -- Oct. 18

Dear patient Ed. You will be pleased to know I have sought the assistance of the firm of Smith, Underwood, Royal, Remington & Olivetti to effect E.T.'s immediate release. I anticipate no further delays once E.T. and I have been reunited. P -- Oct. 20

P -- Receiving a T-shirt blazoned with ''E.T. loves editors'' was hardly the response I expected from you. I trust this final extension of your deadline (till the 22nd) will not be construed as an exculpation of irresponsible commitment. Ed -- Oct. 21

Dear forgiving Ed. A resolution of E.T.'s incarceration seems imminent. My wife, with a blank check (I want E.T. back at any cost), has volunteered to try her experienced hand at diplomacy. I have confidence in her ability to deal effectively with the aliens and precipitate E. T.'s coming home. P -- Friday, Oct. 22

Phil, the Editor will be in conference all day today. I have placed your cuddly peace offering on her desk along with your latest excuse regarding your delinquent submission. Personally I don't think an E.T. doll will prompt the kind of sympathetic editorial response you are hoping for. Regards, D -- (Assnt. Ed.) Oct. 25

Dear long-suffering Ed. Today I actually talked with E.T. by phone. His alphanumeric console sounded fine. I have been promised his unconditional release tomorrow. You should be receiving a first-person account within a week. Sorry about delay. P -- Nov. 2, 1982

Dear Mr. K -- , Thank you for your most recent endeavor which the Editor earnestly hopes will somehow find its way into alien hands long before she returns from the 'round-the-world cruise she felt was necessary at this time. She said she had had her ''Phil of E.T.!'' (Secty., Home Forum)

We want to hear, did we miss an angle we should have covered? Should we come back to this topic? Or just give us a rating for this story. We want to hear from you.