Notice to winter residents

It has come to the attention of the management that something akin to anarchy exists in this household due to the lack of consideration shown by some of the temporary guests. Therefore, in the interest of amicable cohabitation, the management wishes to post the following ground rules by which we will all abide:

1. All spiders will please confine themselves to web-weaving in obscure corners, or in the hallway only above face level. This means above the face level of the tallest, not the shortest, member of the household. The kitchen is strictly off limits, as are the headboard of the management's bed, and accompanying side lamps and tables. All edible bugs are fair game, but please refrain from stalking same on the management's pillow in the dead of night. There is nothing quite as disconcerting as waking to find a large spider stealthily approaching one's nose.

2. All bugs, especially stinkbugs, will please restrict their wanderings to out-of-the-way places. Clothes, either piled or hung, are not included in this category. We realize that sleeves hold a particular fascination, but are, as of this notice, off limits. You will alter your preferences accordingly. The management does realize, further, that there is something tantalizing to be peeped at just beyond the trap at the foot of the tub. However, we are certain you do not enjoy swirling around the management's feet in several inches of water while being deluged with soap.

3. All intergalactic insects, those of you who look like the moon-probe (a picture will be posted for purposes of identification), will please restrict themselves to cellar or attic. The house is not so much warmer that you need occupy the living spaces and crowd the rest of the inhabitants. Bookshelves and drawers are strictly forbidden.

4. All bats are, without exception, requested to confine themselves to the attic. Under no circumstances are you to enter or exit the attic through any opening other than the attic eaves. Open windows and doors are means of access reserved primarily for the management.

5. All mice will please cease pilfering the regular stores, as there is plenty of food to be had in the compost bucket and the trash. Chewing pieces off the corners of the Oriental rugs is pure ingratitude and will be dealt with severely.

6. Small squirrels and raccoons are admitted only on an emergency basis and are requested to halt the climbing in the insulation from cellar to just below the attic, through the walls. There is no exit at the top and you simply must turn around and come down again. This is a distinct waste of time, effort, and insulation.

The management, for its part, agrees to live simply and with as little disruption to its guests' lives as is humanly possible.

You've read  of  free articles. Subscribe to continue.
QR Code to Notice to winter residents
Read this article in
QR Code to Subscription page
Start your subscription today