How often do we get on our kids' level to help solve problems?
The telling of the fairy tale about the rooster under the table reminds us that often the best solutions in parenting result from getting down on our kids' level and join them to learn how they see things.
I recently saw an exhibit of Art Spiegelman’s many years of brilliant comic work at The Jewish Museum in New York. One comic strip caught my attention as brilliant parenting advice. I share it here.Skip to next paragraph
Bonnie Harris, a parenting specialist for 25 years, is the director of Connective Parenting and is known for her pioneering mindset shift out of the reward-and-punishment model to a connected relationship. She conducts workshops and speaks on parenting topics and is the author of "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" and "Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live with. She is the mother of two grown children and lives with her husband in New Hampshire. Click here to learn more about her.
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The comic was Mr. Spiegelman’s fairy tale of a Prince who told his father, the King, that he thought he was a rooster. His father laughed it off, but the Prince kept up his belief. His father, getting concerned for his son’s mental state, dismissed and belittled his son’s fantasy. The more the Prince seemed convinced, the more his father rebuked him and the more the Prince regressed into his roosterdom until he eventually spent all his time naked under a table crowing.
The King called for help from his kingdom and soon long lines stretched from the castle door for miles. But no one could cure the Prince. Finally an old man with a long beard and no credentials arrived claiming he could help. The King was at the end of his rope and hopelessly sent the old man to his son.
The old man looked under the table where the Prince huddled and listened to his story. The old man told the Prince that he was a rooster too, stripped off his clothes and joined the Prince under the table. The Prince was thrilled and comforted to have a fellow-rooster to keep him company. One day, the old man crawled out from under the table and stood up to stretch. The Prince, horrified, asked what he was doing. The old man said, “Even roosters need to stretch once in awhile.” Interested, the Prince crawled out from the table and took a much-needed stretch himself.
A while later, the old man put his clothes on. The Prince was aghast and asked what he was doing. The old man said that he was cold. “Don’t you think roosters get cold too?” The Prince put his clothes on too. Soon, the old man suggested they join the King for dinner. At the dinner table, the Prince said to the old man, “Wait a minute. What are we doing here eating dinner?” The old man said to the Prince that just because they were roosters didn’t mean that they didn’t get hungry and need to eat. This made sense to the Prince, and he contentedly finished his dinner.
In order for children to change their behavior, they first need to feel connected and understood – the foundation for self-confidence. When parents worry, dismiss their child’s desires as trite, criticize what the child is doing, and blame the child for doing it wrong – thinking, of course, that they are teaching the child proper behavior – the child will dig in his heels. The parent worries more, pushes harder against the child’s resistance, and the cycle spins.
No matter whether your child is hitting, not doing homework, or is out of control, we must go to them, join them, and learn how they see things. The more we criticize, blame, and threaten, the more they turn away and find others who will understand them. Whether we agree or disagree, true empathy means seeing the world from another’s point of view. We don’t have to take our clothes off and be like them, but we do need to understand in a way that they feel understood and accepted. Then, and only then, will they join us at the table.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Bonnie Harris blogs at www.bonnieharris.com.