Proms and princesses: the Disney generation grows up and goes to high school, but the desire to look and feel like a princess does not necessarily go away. Savvy marketers have capitalized on the trend, and parents are paying for it. In this April 12, 2012 photo, Hunter Schmuk, left, and Alyssa Shomake pose in prom dresses in Spearfish, S.D. (Mark Watson/Black Hills Pioneer/AP)
Proms and princesses: The Disney generation grows up
What do little girls in princess dresses and teenagers at proms have in common? More than you might think!
Last week, a new survey found that nationwide, U.S. teens and their families will spend an average of $1,000 on this year’s prom. In my region, the northeast, the average is double that–a whopping $2,000 per family. With such numbers, the article argues, “Prom is the new wedding.”
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Why is lavish spending on proms on the rise? USA Today reports:
Teen girls view prom as their “red-carpet moment” and are “heavily influenced” by celebrities who walk actual red carpets in designer gowns. “It’s a rite of passage, and there’s a legacy of how you look at your prom. Girls want to dress to impress.”
In other words, the intense consumerism of prom may be fueled by a wish to be like a celebrity for a night: the center of attention, all eyes on her, enjoying the spotlight.
But with such pleasures come intense pressure–the pressure of public scrutiny, with a fear of condemnation if the girl fails to achieve an idealized look. External scrutiny may be real or imagined. It may take place on Facebook or at an afterparty. But self-scrutiny will most likely take place in the mirror, as a girl turns her critical eye on her own reflection to gauge whether she measures up to the ideal. No sympathy, no compassion–just judgments.
It’s easy for critics to wag their fingers at teen girls and their parents for enabling this behavior. However, prom spending can’t be removed from its cultural context. For one thing, girls face a marketing machine that makes such spending seem necessary (see any teen magazine during prom season for details). But more importantly, our culture socializes girls to be consumers who treat themselves as commodities–packaged to be gazed upon, admired, and desired.
Consider all the toddler girls who want nothing more than to be miniature Disney Princesses: Some are so insistent on their princess identities that they will wear nothing but princess play clothes, and protest with tearful heartbreak at every well-intended reality check. For the families of discerning young preschool consumers, this can become a costly interest to support: Disney-branded princess dresses start at about $45 at the Disney Store; accessories like matching shoes, tiaras, and purses are sold separately.
The Disney princess dresses can cost twice that or more if purchased at a Disney theme park during a family vacation, while a full princess makeover at Disney’s popular Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique can set parents back an additional $50-$190 or more (dress not included). But Disney persuades parents that these costs are worthwhile, for the memories will last a lifetime: As the signs at Disney’s parks say, “Let the memories begin.”
And so the toddler girl’s $100-$200 princess dress-up experience sets the stage for the $1,000-$2,000 prom.
What the toddlers and teens are buying is a fantasy. Teen girls who aspire to have a “red-carpet moment” at prom–like couples who now spend an average of $27,000 on their dream weddings–are spending their money to display a glamorous image for a single evening.
The marketing machine insists that moment will “last a lifetime,” which makes all the spending seem worthwhile. The advertising narrative tells girls, “You’re worth it! Go ahead and be glamorous. Show everyone the real you.”
But this prom experience isn’t so much “real” as aspirational.
Just like little girls (and beautiful brides) are not really princesses, girls at prom are playing dress-up, too. Yes, it’s a lot of fun to do so–but as many girls do in fact know, prom can be just as fun on a smaller budget. (As one teen who reported happily finding a gown on consignment said last year, “Being frugal is cool.”) When exorbitant spending seems necessary and inevitable, though, the marketers are winning–aided and abetted by a culture that teaches girls that a primary source of their value is their appearances.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Rebecca Hains blogs at rebeccahains.wordpress.com.
Time magazine's current breastfeeding cover. The US ranks last among the 36 industrialized nations in support of breastfeeding. But the extended breastfeeding cover image – as in an elderly toddler suckling his model-mother's breast – is Time's angle into the American trend of attachment parenting. (Time)
Time mag breastfeeding cover doubletake: What about the stats?
So, we usually try over here at Modern Parenthood not judge a book by its cover. But when we got a glimpse of the Time Magazine cover this week, which was released online today.... wowsers. I just couldn’t help but break our own rule.
Because, if you haven’t seen yet, this Time Magazine cover shows Los Angeles mom Jamie Lynne Grumet, posing defiantly, in skinny jeans and hand on hip, with her 3-year-old son, who is wearing camouflage cargo pants and a gray long sleeve t-shirt and... has her left breast in his mouth.
Ah, nothing like making an already contentious subject among the moms even more controversial.
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The cover goes with a Time Magazine story about Bill Sears, the attachment parenting guru whose books on child rearing have, according to some culture watchers, changed the way American moms interact with their kids. (The article goes into depth about the way his philosophies have been adopted and challenged in the modern parenting world.)
Among Dr. Sears’s parenting suggestions, such as “baby-wearing” (keeping the baby close to you in a sling) and co-sleeping (sharing a bed with baby), he promotes breastfeeding.
And not just breastfeeding, but extended breastfeeding.
Hence the 3-year-old on the magazine’s cover.
Now, kudos, I guess, to Ms. Grumet for putting her face (and other body parts) out there to show that she stands behind her beliefs about this particular Sears-ian tenet.
But I worry that the provocative nature of the pose will actually obscure some of the real issues surrounding breastfeeding in this country.
Because the challenges to nursing – which study after study has shown to be the most healthy way to nourish a baby – are significant in the US.
In its report this week about global motherhood, Save The Children ranked the US last out of 36 industrialized countries in its support of breastfeeding. A lack of paid maternity leave and the prevalence of formula marketing within the country’s maternity wards contributed to the low ranking. (Gotta love that. Or how you get formula coupons after every grocery store purchase of a nursing-related item.)
A 2010 article in the journal “Pediatrics” estimated that low rates of breastfeeding added $13 billion to medical costs in the US. Only an estimated 35 percent of American moms are exclusively breastfeeding their children at three months, even though the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends exclusive nursing until the baby is six months old. (Less than half of moms nurse at all at six months.)
The numbers of breastfeeding moms drop significantly as the child gets older. Although it’s not easy to find statistics, a study published in “Pediatrics” from the early 2000s found that around 17 percent of moms were still nursing when their children were a year old, and that 5.7 percent of moms still breastfed when the child was 18 months.
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The World Health Organization says that breastfeeding is beneficial for toddlers aged two and beyond.
So – we have some questions to explore here. And if we’re lucky, Time’s cover will help prompt those conversations.
After everyone is finished doing that double take in the checkout line.
Cooking with kids: big fun, with a dash of skill development. Modern Parenthood invites a gourmand mom to to write about the benefits, for parent and child, of rolling up your sleeves and whipping something delicious up in the kitchen together. (Courtesy of Amy Deline)
Cooking with kids: big fun, with a dash of skill development
For many years now, I have enjoyed combining two of my favorite topics; cooking and education. Cooking can be a fun pastime to share with children of all ages. But it’s more than just an engaging activity. Cooking is absolutely bursting with opportunities for children to develop new skills!
Just a few of the many skills that are developed through cooking:
- Vocabulary Development – names of foods, cooking terms, procedural language
- Following Directions – single and multi-step directions
- Sequencing Skills – following the steps in the directions, retelling the sequence of steps
- Fine Motor Skill Development – stirring, pouring, mashing, cutting soft objects
- Hand-Eye Coordination
- Social Emotional Development – feeling pride and sense of accomplishment, following directions, turn-taking, participation
- Science Knowledge – change of state from liquid to solid, heating and cooling, dissolving
- Math Knowledge – measuring, counting
- Willingness to experiment with new foods – kids may be more open to trying something they had a hand in making
A few tips to help make your cooking experience enjoyable for everyone:
- Give yourself extra time.
- Be prepared for a little extra mess.
- Select tasks which are age-appropriate for your child. (Kids are expert mixers, pourers, and banana-mashers!) Give them tasks to keep them occupied between steps.
- Prepare, prepare, prepare! In the culinary field, one often hears the French phrase, “mise en place.” Essentially, this translates to “everything in its place.” It simply involves the practice of gathering, measuring, and preparing all ingredients prior to beginning the cooking process. This practice is useful for all cooking, but is especially helpful when you’re working with young kids, with short attention spans.
- Don’t forget to model good sanitary practices, such washing hands and using clean utensils. (Keep a few extra spoons nearby so you can quickly replace spoons used for tasting!)
Children learn best when they are engaged in meaningful, hands-on activities. So, next time you’re in the kitchen, grab your kid (or borrow someone else’s) and get cooking!
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Amy Deline blogs at The Gourmand Mom.
When life gives you lemons, Modern Parenthood offers up five tips for raising resilient kids. Parents often want to protect their kids from the outside world, but avoid the urge to "rescue them," before they have a chance to help themselves. Michael Engebretson, 16, left, and his sister Elizabeth, 13, right, are seen during a STARS International meeting in Elgin, Ill in 2010. Michael, a victim of bullying at Larkin High School in Elgin, is a graduate of STARS, a private, nonprofit scuba diving program for at-risk kids. (Andrew A. Nelles/The Courier-News )
When life gives you lemons: five tips for raising resilient kids
How well does your child deal with adversity, cope in difficult situations, become stronger after disappointments? In other words, how resilient is she?
We often think that our job is to protect our children from the tough situations of life, but in fact, our protection helps only us. We don’t want to hear their anger, experience their sadness, or deal with their disappointment. In many cases, we were not allowed those feelings so we don’t know how to allow our children to have them.
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They may frighten us – so we make sure they don’t have them. When we prevent these experiences, we diminish their resilience, their ability to cope with life’s inevitable frustrations and situations beyond their control.
Building resilience in children requires that we:
- Trust our child’s ability to handle difficult problems
- Convey in words and body language confidence in their ability to cope
- Allow and accept their feelings of sadness, fear, anger, disappointment over situations they cannot change
- Do not jump in to rescue them or fix situations that cause their frustration in order to avoid our own fears
- Balance our own wants and needs with theirs, which will inevitably cause their frustration and disappointment
Children are so much more capable of dealing with and solving problems than we give them credit for. Our natural sense of nurturing can easily switch to over protection when we think we are responsible for our children’s happiness.
We do not serve them by protecting them from unhappiness or telling them they shouldn’t feel what they are feeling. Let their tears flow; allow their anger and disappointment. You don’t have to do or change anything. Simply acknowledge and empathize with those feelings. They need to know they are normal.
Many situations are too much for children to handle: a school environment that puts on too much pressure, a truth that is too much to handle, etc. But life inevitably throws us situations beyond our control, and how well our children are able to get over them and move on depends on their resilience. A schoolmate who taunts with a hurtful name, a desired toy you think inappropriate or unaffordable, a limit that feels unfair all cause natural feelings. Allowing those feelings does not mean changing the situation or giving in to make them happy.
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Their ability and opportunity to feel sustains their resilience to move past the feelings.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Bonnie Harris blogs at Connective Parenting.
U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, speaking here during a press conference in Dhaka, Bangladesh, May 5, 2012, has gone au naturale. And she doesn't deny it. But her eyeglasses and lack of makeup bear a lot less on her job as a superpower broker than, say, the glamor of Kate Middleton bears on her job as ... what? (AP)
Hillary Clinton "au naturale" is no Kate Middleton. Is that OK?
This just in from the hard hitting journalism department: Hillary Clinton, US Secretary of State – you know, the person fourth in line to the presidency, responsible for the foreign policy of our country, who over the past month has visited China, Bangladesh, India, Columbia, Brazil, Belgium, and France – sometimes doesn’t wear makeup!
The horror.
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Forget “smart power,” little girls. This is the real lesson about women in the public sphere.
Sigh.
Another big sigh.
C’mon people.
The latest How-Does-Hilary-Look flap began heating up this week with a photo posted by the Drudge Report Monday showing the Secretary of State wearing glasses and just a little bit of lipstick, with the headline “Hillary au Naturale.” (sic) This, on top of an aide’s worries – quoted in a women’s magazine – about Ms. Clinton’s penchant for pulling her hair back in a ponytail and securing it with a scrunchy, got the media’s tongues a-wagging.
Not that there’s ever a makeup-free day over here, mind you. Oh no. And hair in a ponytail? Never. We’re all Kate Middleton on this side of the computer. Cross my heart.
And we’re even fancy when we travel. I call it vagabond chic.
Really, I feel lucky when I brush my teeth on international flights. And Clinton has traveled 778,157 miles as Secretary of State, visiting 96 countries and logging 1,691.25 hours of travel time, according to the State Department website. I’m impressed the woman can even find her lipstick.
But that’s not the point, of course.
To her credit, Clinton laughed off the issue in a CNN interview earlier this week.
“If I want to wear my glasses, I’m wearing my glasses,” she said. “If I want to wear my hair back I’m pulling my hair back. You know at some point it’s just not something that deserves a lot of time and attention.”
She’s right of course, but... if only. The continued focus on women’s appearance is just depressing for parents trying to teach their little ones that smarts and kindness and achievement matter more than an outfit or hairdo.
Because it’s not just that we focus more on makeup than, say, delicate negotiations with India or China. We blatantly equate appearance to substance. Take this comment, for instance, from the UK’s Daily Mail:
“The Democrat has appeared stylish and demure at recent events, toning down her once-gaudy coloured trouser suits and scrunchie combinations – also perhaps signalling that she is winding down.”
Huh?
Turns out you can pick friends based on appearance, as well.
Ms. Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, shows through her outfits (and she decidedly does wear makeup) that she is a “girl you want to go sit down with and talk to and hang out with,” celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe said on “Good Morning America.”
Even with that high-slit dress that also got the internet community buzzing this week.
Again, a sigh.
Secretary of State versus princess.
We certainly show our girls which one we think they should emulate.
Gold stars – and all those stickers of appreciation kids clamor for – are signs of recognition that adults want, too. Here are 7 tips for doling out praise Kids want gold stars, so do adults: 7 tips for doling out praise in front of and behind the recipient's back. (Rich Clabaugh/Staff)
Kids want gold stars, so do adults: 7 tips for doling out praise
Oh, I’m a gold star junkie. I always want to see those gold stars stuck to the top of my homework. I crave praise, appreciation, recognition.
I’ve done a lot to combat my craving for gold stars (here are 5 tips for dealing with feeling unappreciated). I also try hard to give other people the gold stars they deserve. As my mother once told me, “Most people probably don’t get the appreciation they deserve.” Like my own mother!
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But it’s not always easy to dole out those gold stars in an effective way. Here are 7 tips:
1. Be specific. Vague praise doesn’t make much of an impression.
2. Find a way to praise sincerely. It’s a rare situation where you can’t identify something that you honestly find praiseworthy. “Striking” is one of my favorite fudge adjectives.
3. Never offer praise and ask for a favor in the same conversation. It makes the praise seem like a set-up.
4. Praise process, not outcome.This particularly relevant with children. It’s more helpful to praise effort, diligence, persistence, and imagination than a grade or milestone.
5. Look for something less obvious to praise – a more obscure accomplishment or quality that a person hasn’t heard praised many times before; help people identify strengths they didn’t realize they had. Or praise a person for something that he or she does day after day, without recognition. Show that you appreciate the fact that the coffee’s always made, that the report is never late. It’s a sad fact of human nature: those who are the most reliable are the most easily taken for granted.
6. Don’t hesitate to praise people who get a lot of praise already. Perhaps counter-intuitively, even people who get constant praise – or perhaps especially people who get constant praise – crave praise. Is this because praiseworthy people are often insecure? Does getting praise lead to an addiction to more praise? Or – and this is my current hypothesis – does constant praise indicate constant evaluation, and constant evaluation leads to a craving for praise?
7. Praise people behind their backs. The praised person usually hears about the praise, and behind-the-back praise seems more sincere than face-to-face praise. Also, always pass along the behind-the-back praise that you hear. This is one of my favorite things to do!
Also, because the way we feel is very much influenced by the way we act, by acting in a way that shows appreciation, discernment, and thoughtfulness, we make ourselves feel more appreciative, discerning, and thoughtful. And that boosts happiness.
Have you thought of any other good ways for giving people praise? Are you a gold-star junkie, yourself?
President Obama's same-sex marriage endorsement – told to an ABC interviewer, on May 9, 2012 – just made the tough teen decision to affirm a gay sexual identity easier, say two psychologists who work with teens. (AP)
Obama same-sex marriage endorsement bolsters gay teen identity
President Obama has over time made clear his position on gay marriage. His open affirmation of support this week however has far-reaching influence. At a time when teens are affirming their sexual orientation at earlier and earlier ages, the president’s support is a strong victory toward society’s ultimate acceptance, support, and understanding of alternative sexual orientations.
Coming out is rarely easy. Research reflects that on average teens are secure in their sexual identity two years before actually telling their parents. The parents of these teens report that their biggest concern for their teens is that of safety. They worry that their children will be subjected to teasing, taunting, and even terrorizing by less accepting peers. In generations past parents also lamented the loss of the opportunity for their children to enjoy a "conventional lifestyle" aka marriage and children. Obama’s announcement will do much to dispel such concerns.
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The recent ban on gay marriages in North Carolina was a major blow towards a cultural movement focused on acceptance and change. While the reverberations of this decision will be felt statewide, Obama’s outright support of gay marriage will certainly soften the impact.
In the search for identity teens often feel vulnerable and confused. This is especially true for teens choosing alternative sexual identities. Teens tend to idolize and worship public figures with whom they feel they can identify. The behaviors and opinions of celebrities such as athletes, rock stars, movie stars, and of course public figures such as the president matter.
By embracing gay marriage President Obama has suggested to today’s teens that an alternative sexual identity doesn’t need to be equated with sacrifice or strife. The decision to affirm an alternative sexual identity is rarely easy. For teens it means choosing to publicly acknowledge a difference that may make them vulnerable to disapproval and disdain depending on where they live. For many teens it also means disappointing parents and loved ones who are reticent or even resistant to accepting the affirmation. Obama’s support of marriage as an institution open to all will hopefully in time encourage individuals to reassess their prejudices.
Martin Luther King dreamed of a society in which differences were not only accepted and supported but celebrated. President Obama’s bold declaration will hopefully bring us one step closer to living the dream. Despite the fact that states such as North Carolina have suggested we still have a long way to go, change is coming.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Jennifer Powell-Lunder and Barbara Greenberg blogs at Talking Teenage.
Our American weirdness about the working mom vs. stay-at-home mom debate, comes as much from our strange relationship with work as it does with our ambiguous, nostalgic-but-perhaps-belittling approach to motherhood. Rita Cheong plays with her great-grandchild, Annika Liu, as her mother, Ingrid Ahlgren, leaves for work. (Ann Hermes/Staff)
Working mom, stay-at-home mom: A debate that belittles motherhood
Not long after I had Baby M, I was chatting on the phone with an older female relative. (Exact relationship to remain hidden to protect the questionably innocent.)
“So,” she said, words dripping with that I’m-being-nice-really-I-am tone, “don’t you think it’s interesting that both you and your roommate went to Yale, and now you are both stay-at-home moms?”
Pause.
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I looked down at my sleeping little baby and thought of all the swear words she really shouldn’t hear yet.
“Um, yeah,” I managed. “Interesting. Gotta go now.”
Because "interesting" was decidedly not what I heard. Rather, from this vanguard of 1970s women-in-the-workplace feminism, I heard “pathetic.” Maybe “disappointing.” Or perhaps “waste of all those tuition dollars.” And honestly, it stung. I knew my time with this little girl felt like the most important thing in the world, but....
As Husna Haq writes in this week’s print Monitor magazine [to be posted online Friday] , Americans are far from beyond the “touchy, judgment-passing hostilities of the so-called mommy war.” And we’re not just judgmental. We’re confused.
While Ms. Haq reported that some 70.6 percent of moms are in the workforce, a related Monitor/TIPP poll found that 46 percent of Americans believe that mother’s should be home with children unless they are the family’s sole breadwinner, and 62 percent of people believe that one parent should be home with the kids. Meanwhile, 68 percent of respondents agreed with the statement that “It’s OK for moms to work outside the home, period.”
As women – particularly white women – some of these questions and the answers are even more polarized. To the statement “mothers should be home with children unless they are the family’s sole breadwinner,” 21 percent of white women “agree strongly,” while 29 percent “disagree strongly.”
A little conflicted, no?
But the more I read about the mommy wars, the more I wonder whether a lot of our American weirdness about this topic comes as much from our strange relationship with work as it does with our ambiguous, nostalgic-but-perhaps-belittling approach to motherhood.
Which takes me back to that oh-so-helpful postpartum conversation.
See, the thing is, at the time I was working. Just not in an office. And I don’t mean “working” as in “mothering,” although I think it’s interesting that to validate the latter we always have to equate it to the former.
I was actually working as in doing my day-job – writing. During the first year of my baby’s life I finished and sold a book proposal, I wrote pieces for top national publications, I lectured college classes, and I brought her with me to Kenya on a reporting trip. That I did most of this in my sweatpants was not a new characteristic of my work; neither, really, was the fact that I fit it into my own life schedule.
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Acknowledged, with Baby M I have spent less time on this outside work and more time taking care of her.
Oh, the critics will say knowingly: A part time work-at-home mom.
And then they’ll think about me pasting glitter hearts on a greeting card to sell on Etsy.
(See, even I’m judgmental.)
But seriously, my set up, to many on the working side of the mommy wars debate, is simply not as respectable as the working mom who, as “Mommy Wars” editor Leslie Morgan Steiner described, juggles sippy cups with legal briefs.
“The portrait of a working mother today is a woman who is stretched really thin and who is crazy.... You work like a maniac all day ... then you rush home and have another whole shift with the kids,” she told Haq. “It’s crazy.”
It reminds me of a time when I lived in Washington, D.C., and the only appropriate response to “How are you?” was “Oh, I’m so busy.”
Take a look at the types of progress women have made in the workplace, and you might start to wonder whether modern-day American feminism hasn’t been co-opted by modern day capitalism. Breast pumping rooms, flex schedules, on-site childcare – these are all life-savers to some moms, but probably even better for employers, who get to keep female employees working long and hard.
Indeed, according to the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, workers in the US in 2010 spent hundreds more hours working than in the UK, Sweden, Germany, or Norway – and pretty much any other western European country. This connects with one of the main reasons Save The Children this week ranked the US pretty low among developed countries as a place to be a mother; unlike number one Norway, the U.S. gives short and unpaid maternity leave.
In other words, we’re making progress in the workplace – as long as it’s good for the workplace.
Now, let me be clear here. I am totally, beyond words, indebted to the women, far stronger than I am, who fought their way into newsrooms and courtrooms, hospitals and assembly lines. They earned for me the ability to make money for my family, the right to have financial independence, the glorious chance to follow intellectual interests and creative pursuits.
But today’s mommy wars, I believe, are missing the point. The way the debate is framed, we miss out on talking about how family and parenting fits into our cultural and political landscape – whether our society is doing for children what we'd hope – and instead focus on the is-she-or-isn't-she working.
But work is not the meaning of life. It just isn’t.
A lot of other cultures recognize this, which is why people looked at me blankly when I lived in South Africa and started asking about the working mom versus stay-at-home mom debate there.
And as long as we get stuck here in the “isn’t that interesting," snarky stay-at-home versus working mom dialogue, we ignore the deeper questions: about life, about meaning, about family, and about finding our individual paths through this beautiful world.
Mother's Day: Parents of teenagers may be feeling like the experience is too much living their own action adventure film – full of romance, lots of angst, and, of course, blockbuster action.. (20th Century Fox Studios/Reuters)
Mother's Day: Parenting teenagers is like a personal action movie
Being a parent of a teen is in some ways like watching an action adventure flick. There is never a dull moment; just when you think you've got the plot figured out there is another twist.
Of course there's also all that drama, seemingly at some moments simply for the sake of drama itself.
Like any true adventure movie, there is a bit of romance. As a mother, this represents your unwavering devotion to your teen despite the sometimes dumb or even disastrous situations in which your teen gets entangled.
Then there's all the emotion they seem to experience; one moment they are ranting and raving and the next they are anxiously awaiting your advice, or simply asking what's for dinner.
In any given moment you find yourself stepping out of one mom role ( i.e. advice giver, chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, etc.) and stepping in to another.
As a mom of a teen life is never boring, although at times you wish it were. At moments it may feel like a thankless task with all the door slamming, music blasting and even the occasional "I hate you." And as difficult as the most trying moments seem to be, you know in your heart you don't regret even a second of the rambling roller coaster ride on which your teen has taken you.
So, as another Mother's Day marks your calendar, sit back and savor a moment or two of sweet silence and relaxation but you better hurry, your teen should be asking you for something in 1, 2, 3...
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Jennifer Powell-Lunder and Barbara Greenberg blogs at Talking Teenage.
Five parenting tips to help put a stop to the whining in your house. From infant to adolescent, whining is a normal stage of development, but the way you handle the situation can mean the difference between conflict resolution and misery. Too bad President Bush doesn't read Modern Parenthood – we might have helped him better handle this baby handed to him during a state trip to Germany. (Jim Bourg/AP)
Five parenting tips to put a stop to your child's whining
I’ve never met a parent who likes – no, is even OK with – whining. For me it was like nails on a blackboard. Many parents don’t know of another torture that would be worse.
Whining is as developmental and normal in a toddler’s life as discovering the pleasure of saying “no." Don’t think about teaching your child not to do it. Do think about ways you can help yourself deal with it calmly and perhaps shorten it’s duration. Here are a few:
Don’t call it whining. It’s very hard to talk to your child about whining without being critical and blaming. “Stop whining.” “I can’t hear you when you’re whining.” These proclamations will not get you what you want. It may only make it worse.
Make a compassionate association when you hear it. Can you instead think about how frustrated your child is feeling – even if it’s over something you won’t allow. I once heard Aletha Salter say that whining is stuck crying. A child who whines is actually trying hard not to cry so the cry gets stuck. Sometimes validation of the frustration will bring on the crying which eliminates the whine – for now.
Don’t try to teach anything during the whining. As soon as the whining is past and you hear your child’s “normal” voice, name it. “There’s the Sarah voice. What shall we name the voice you use when you feel really frustrated?” Let your child name it. Then when you hear the whine, you can say, “I hear the ‘—-’ voice. Do you need to use that or can you use the Sarah voice?” You might name a couple of different voices you use as well.
Give the connection that is really needed. If you don’t think you have to teach your child to stop whining, when you hear it, get down to your child’s level and validate the frustration. “You really wish I could do what you want. I know I would want that too if I were you. Will you take a hug for now?”
Pay attention to the times your child doesn’t whine. It’s so easy to focus on the tones you hate to hear, but how often do you acknowledge the times your child does a good job coping. Whenever your child doesn’t whine when she asks for what she wants, notice it. “You really know how to ask for what you want. I like that.”
Know that this, too, will pass – even though it may seem like an eternity.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Bonnie Harris blogs at Connective Parenting.
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