Thanksgiving gratitude is not seasonal. Arabelle Broscious, 5, of Mount Carmel, Pa. participated in a candy collection Nov. 5 as part of Operation Gratitude, a program designed to send Halloween candy to US Armed Forces overseas as a way to say thanks. (AP)
Thanksgiving: Teaching gratitude is always in season
It's a little ironic that the season in which we give thanks and the one in which our children are making their holiday wish lists come so close together.
We try to give our children so much but sometimes forget to give them the greatest gift, the capacity to appreciate and to feel grateful. Without that, we can never give them enough. We may want to give them many things, but how do we do this and not give them a sense of entitlement?
This, like most aspects of parenting, is a fine balance.
Many of our own parents tried to make us feel grateful by pointing out the starving children in some far-off land. This strategy often resulted in us offering to send those children the horrible casserole or ugly tennis shoes. In spite of those responses, many of us grew up with far less than our children have but with a greater sense of enjoyment and appreciation.
Just a glance at the sea of media in which our children swim gives us a big hint as to how this happened. All around are material things that they (and we) are led to believe we must have – that we have a right to have. But there are little ways to swim against this tide.
The most important is simply being an example of appreciation for the things in our own lives. It can rub off. The source of gratitude can be anything – the sight of glowing cumulus clouds, our warm home, or a nice meal. They may respond with eye rolling and an, "Oh, Mom/Oh, Dad" (as if we're so sappy). But someday when we say, "Come here a minute, look at that sunset," a big cool teenager might look and say, "Oh, yeah, and I like the way the sun streams from under the edges of the clouds." When that happened to me, I was grateful that I had put up with all the eye rolling.
In my work as a school psychologist, a mother with a rather crabby 9-year-old came to see me for help. We worked out a way to instill a bit more gratitude – but not with reminders of how fortunate he was as a response to his complaints. Instead, we focused on bedtime.
She started by spending a few minutes talking about what had gone on in her day that she was grateful for: a friend who complimented her work, the polite clerk at the store, or the quiet evening with not too much laundry. Then she asked him if anything good happened in his day. He got the idea, shared a few things, and it soon became a ritual.
Like the Bing Crosby song: "When I'm worried and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I fall asleep counting my blessings."
What she most appreciated is that this outlook started seeping into his day.
I recently worked with a second-grade class at the teacher's request. She was concerned that she seemed to have a lot of complainers in the group and so we started gratitude training with them.
One day, I began a lesson by reviewing and asked what they remembered from our previous discussions. One little boy said, "Well, gratitude is like a skill that you practice and get better at." I'd never really taught those words, but he had put our lessons together into that sublime understanding, one that takes some of us many years to reach.
Part of what I do in working with youngsters is to help them be aware of what is good in their lives. With the right perspective, there's so much to appreciate. Without it, there will never be enough. And only the things they don't have will seem important.
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So along with all the "stuff" on the wish lists this year, we can add our own item: appreciation. It might even help to start by letting our kids know that, regardless of their appearance, their SAT scores, or their athletic ability, they are a source of gratitude in our lives.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Susan DeMersseman blogs at Raising kids, gardens and awareness.
'God is the clouds,' Simon said to his faith-pondering mom. (Reuters)
‘God is the clouds,’ a son advises his pondering mom
Over dinner a few weeks ago, my husband and I quizzed our almost-5-year-old about what he had learned that day in a new pre-kindergarten Judaism program at our temple.
Top 5 parenting tips for media literacy in preschoolers
The teacher had acted out the story of Noah and the ark. Simon told us about how God created the flood, and then God made the wind and the sun that dried up the rain.
“So what is God?” I asked.
“God is the clouds,” he said.
My husband and I smiled, then Simon dropped the subject and started chattering about animals in general. He was done with the story about the creatures that go two by two on the ark.
Simon did not ask us to explain our own views of God. Phew. I was not yet ready to have the “God” conversation with my son.
I went to religious school from age 5 to 12, then got permission from my parents to drop out. I was bored and unmoved by religious school and Bible stories. My parents never really spoke to me about God. My father, for as long as I can remember, has described himself as an agnostic. My mother has a stronger connection to Judaism, but did she believe in God? I have never asked.
Now, though I celebrated my adult bat mitzvah in 2006 after two years of study about Judaism, I don’t really know how to discuss God with my son. I’m not that definitive about my own beliefs when it comes to God. My husband is clearer on his stance. He’s an agnostic and self-defined cultural Jew. He likes the rituals and helps me frequently bring Shabbat to our home on Friday nights. We light the candles and say blessings over bread and sometimes wine or juice. My husband also likes going to temple with Simon and me. But the sense of community more than religiosity draws my husband toward Judaism.
I’m a mixed bag. I believe there is something non-human that gives me a sense of awe or comfort at times. Maybe it’s God. I’m not a blind believer, but I’m not an agnostic either. I’m something in between. I’m neither God-less nor God-ful.
I believe this thing called God rests in my heart when I sing with the chorus at our temple and start to feel goose bumps. I certainly felt something at the start of Rosh Hashanah this year when I stood on the bimah and sang solo verses of Mah Tovu to the congregation. The prayer means how good it is that we are all here together in this house of worship. I was nervous, yet found my comfort zone. Something deeper than humankind was in my heart as I sang. Maybe it was an adrenaline rush. Maybe it was my interpretation of God.
I believe something helped when I finally began going to temple services to say the Mourner’s Kaddish in memory of my brother. Religion could not comfort me when my 23-year-old brother Kevin died suddenly in a car accident in 1986. I was 21 and disconnected from my faith. But 20 years later, solace came from others when I recited the Jewish mourner’s prayer, a string of sentences that praises God. The act of saying the words, rather than the words themselves, provided the comfort, for in saying the prayer, I stood in solidarity with other mourners.
Sun and wind can dry a soaked earth. Weather patterns produce those. God, to me, is more of a sensation than an all-powerful entity.
We say “God” a lot in Jewish prayer, and Simon has recited the Hebrew word for God along with us on many prayers. But I have never told him that we are actually praising God. Those blessings are custom more than religious act in our home.
I will encourage Simon to learn everything he can about our Jewish faith but also raise him in a most decidedly Jewish way. It’s okay to question what he’s told. It’s okay to believe what he chooses to believe. I want him to grow up comfortable with his Jewish identity. In our home, having mixed feelings about God comes with the territory.
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But what will I say when my son asks me, “Mom, do you believe in God?” I suspect I will say what I know to be true. “I believe that there is something bigger than all of us, something that can give us comfort and hope. And when I was a child, about your age, I used to sit on my blue toy box and stare out the window at the sky and deliver my own form of prayers to God. I too thought God was up there in the clouds.” I just never thought God was the clouds.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Linda Wetheimer blogs at Jewish Muse.
Thanksgiving with family doesn't have to be a parenting nightmare. Here, Cooper Bourret races a turkey to the finish line at the Huffing for Stuffing Thanksgiving Day Run in Bozeman, Mont. last year. (AP)
Thanksgiving with relatives: Tame parenting performance anxiety
Holidays bring stress when families get together. How will my children do; what will my family think about my parenting?
Top 5 parenting tips for media literacy in preschoolers
If you are a connective parent, you know the pressure from the outside to conform to traditional parenting styles. If your children are not behaving perfectly, it's because you're letting them get away with it, you're not strict enough. "What he needs is some discipline. He needs to know who's boss. Are you going to let him get away with that?"
When that pressure is on, you get tongue-tied, feel inadequate, and don't have a leg to stand on. You buy into the criticism because, let's face it, you're not 100 percent confident of yourself, especially when faced with the disapproval of one of your parents or in-laws. You question yourself, get stressed out, your child reacts to your tension, you snap and the cycle spins. Things that work at home suddenly do not. Children get confused and anxious – all hell breaks loose.
Hence, performance anxiety. How will your child measure up to family standards? How will you look? Pay attention to your stress level. If you anticipate a tough situation, have a talk with your child ahead of time and share your feelings. Know that if you are uncomfortable, your children will be, too. It's hard to look into disapproving eyes and explain what you are doing and why. If your parenting philosophy is different from how you were raised, your arguments can feel threatening to your parents. Not wanting to feel that old criticism and judgment, you back down and parent in ways both you and your children hate.
Anticipate difficulty ahead of time. Ask your kids what's been hard for them when families get together. Discuss past situations and how your child might handle it if it were to happen this year. Ask what your child needs from you and let her know what you need from her. Share your concerns and work out a plan to check in with each other at any time.
Here are some suggestions of things to say when faced with criticism from family or friends, no matter what time of year it is:
- This is a work in progress. I'm learning new ways of handling things and I'm not there yet. What I need most is your support.
- Sean has such different needs than any of us had. He has a passionate temperament and responds strongly when he feels restricted. I'm learning what works best for both of us.
- I know that you want a nice calm dinner, and I don't blame you. I'm thinking it might help to feed the kids earlier so they can come and go from the table and be less of a bother.
- Teens today are a whole new ballgame. I've had to learn what to let go of and what not. The most important thing I've learned is that maintaining our relationship is key.
- I know it's hard when the kids are running around during cocktail hour. Would you rather have us here with the chaos or have me take them outside to play during that time?
- She gets very stressed and wound up with lots of people and excitement. It helps when I can catch those cues of her revving up and can intervene. I missed it this time, so I need to take her out to help her get calm.
- He's a handful, that's for sure. His persistence will be a great asset when he's older – if I live through it!
- I know this is hard for you. Me, too. I really appreciate it when you understand how much I need your support.
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Write some of your own. Practice saying them. Be prepared. Even if your relatives don't agree, if you say it with confidence, chances are they will back down. And remember, don't sweat the small stuff. Let them wear what they want and eat what they want (for the most part). It's just one day.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Bonnie Harris is the director of Connective Parenting and blogs here.
Obesity discussions and healthy eating habits should be a top priority for parents and teens, a new study suggests. Here, Chef Roy Choi, center, known for sparking the food truck culinary craze, posed in November 2011 with high school students involved in learning how to prepare, grow, and distribute healthy food. (Vince Bucci/AP for LG)
Talk turkey about obesity with your teens and model healthy eating, says new study
Between battles over cell phone privileges, curfews, and household chores, talking with teenagers can be treacherous. However, when it comes to emotionally charged issues like weight and body image, the stakes are higher.
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With 18 percent of American adolescents qualifying as obese, triple the rate of 30 years ago, according to the US Centers for Disease Control, many parents are grasping for ways to express their concerns without fracturing their teens’ self esteem.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota suggest in the new Journal of Nutrition Education and Behavior that parents model a healthy lifestyle through their own behavior and focus discussions around “healthful eating”and “being fit” rather than pushing for weight loss.
That’s a tall order for a nation that the CDC estimates has a 35 percent adult obesity rate.
So how can parents struggling with their own weight and lifestyle choices model a healthy lifestyle for their kids?
For families with young children, the answer is somewhat straightforward; get moving and get cooking as a family. That’s the message behind First Lady Michelle Obama’s "Let’s Move" campaign.
What about families with teenagers that would rather go to school naked than be seen in public with their parents? Exploring autonomy is a big part of adolescence.
That means spending much of the time away from the house and parental supervision. Even at home, many teens isolate themselves from the rest of the family behind slammed bedroom doors, headphones, and electronic devices.
Despite all that insulation, teens are still watching their parents, especially if they perceive some level of hypocritical discrepancy between what parents practice and preach.
Teens see not only what parents eat, but how they eat. If parents keep a secret stash of chocolates, treat stress with food, or scarf down fast food on the go, chances are their kids know.
Likewise, teens notice if parents obsess about their own weight, exercise, or calorie intake. They may adopt similar behaviors openly or in private.
Parents struggling with their own food issues may find that acknowledging them to their teen could be helpful for both parent and child. Admitting fallibility can go along way in connecting with teenagers, and lets them know that the subject is open for conversation.
Parents can find other strategic ways to set the stage for teens to make healthy choices. Prominently displaying whole food snacks such as fresh fruit, nuts, and seeds makes healthy snacking easy. Getting rid of the 9-inch dinner plates encourages sensible portions.
Families might consider adding a nutritional reference book to the kitchen library. Many include nutritional information for many fast food and chain restaurants as well. Awareness can be a powerful tool for both adults and teenagers.
Parents should remember that their teens are keenly aware of their activity and exercise habits as well. They absorb an unintentional message when they watch their parents drive around the block several times to find the closest parking spot, or opt to spend a sunny day inside on the couch.
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Even though it may seem like teens barely notice their parents, chances are they are watching more than parents may be aware. Even while rolling their eyes.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs.
Thanksgiving turkey pardons are an annual Rose Garden tradition – like that one here in 2010 when President Obama pardoned "Apple" while his daughters Sasha, second from right, and Malia, watch. Our blogger tried to set the tradition straight with President Bush in 2007. (AP)
Thanksgiving turkey pardon: When one mom told Bush to pardon a pig
Today, Thanksgiving is all about the bird, but the holiday was created by President Abraham Lincoln after a failed attempt at secession and civil war left the nation in need of reunification. Though the real first Thanksgiving took place in Virginia, history and holidays were altered from south to north and ham to turkey in an effort to heal an angry nation under God and at the dinner table.
At our house, the holiday was altered yet again when my sons and I tried to set the record straight and ended up with a smorgasbord, vegetarian holiday instead. When we talk turkey, we really have a story to tell.
Every November, my sons begin to talk about the year they and Mom tried to get then-President George W. Bush to pardon a pig instead of a turkey to make up for Mr. Lincoln’s choice. We got a mayor to ride a Harley hog, a principal to kiss a pig, 6,000 school children to sign a petition and I, the mommy, got head-butted by the Commander-in-Chief in front of my kids and the Associated Press, thus altering our holiday meal and perception of national holidays forever after.
In 2007, we moved to the south, to Norfolk, Va., from New Jersey, and the kids came home from school with this tale of how Virginia was the real location of the first Thanksgiving and dinner should be ham and not turkey.
Horrified at what I was sure was revisionist history, I set out to prove the teacher wrong. I learned that I was wrong. The history books were wrong. The Macy’s Day parade and Butterball and Charlie Brown, White House turkey pardon in the Rose Garden – all wrong!
The first English colonists to offer up their prayer of Thanksgiving stood on the James River banks in Berkeley, Va., on Dec. 4, 1619, almost two whole years before the Pilgrim feast. Their charter spelled out that they must give thanks upon arrival and keep that day as a perpetual, annual day of Thanksgiving. Those Virginians had a meager meal of ham or bacon from their stores and possibly some oysters dug from the James River, not turkey.
The kids and I began a campaign for a “Pig Pardon in the Rose Garden,” and I wrote a little story that briefly became a book called “Pardon Me. It’s Ham, Not Turkey!” wherein a piggy named Ginny (short for Virginia) gets her pardon. Our statewide petition got 6,000 signatures from children and then-President George W. Bush re-routed his Thanksgiving plans to come instead to Berkeley Plantation in W.Va., where he gave the nod to the true birthplace of the holiday.
We were invited and given a row for our family to see him speak.
Stepping off Marine One, his assistant came through the crowd and handed me an envelope from the president with a letter to the pig, thanking her and everyone for bringing the historical information to his attention. The kids, who were with me, were deeply impressed... with the helicopter.
Afterward, the boys and I went up and met the president. I thanked him for coming but said the kids were sad he was not publicly pardoning Ginny.
“Ginny? Ginny?” the President momentarily puzzled. Then he beamed a huge grin, hooted a laugh and shouted, “Oh, the pig! I loved that!” Secret Service swarmed us as the President held my hand up in a victory salute and then took me by the shoulders and thunked his forehead to mine several times in rapid succession.
As we walked away, Ian could not contain himself and stopped every single person in our path to announce, “My mom was head-butted by THE PRESIDENT!”
Again, we were suddenly awash in Secret Service as an agent bent double to young Ian, then age 12, and said, “Son. That was not a head-butt. That was the ‘Presidential forehead touch.' He does that with people he really likes.” Ian nodded mutely but, once out of earshot, continued to spread the unvarnished word.
If you’re wondering how the history got lost in the first place, the turkey became America’s urban holiday dinner legend because the winning side tends to write – or in this case, re-write – the history books. Shortly after the Civil War, Lincoln was looking for some way to reunify a nation that had just suffered a Civil War and secession attempt. Pause to reflect on how history repeats itself.
A New England author, keen to celebrate her state, was on a mission to create a holiday commemorating the Pilgrims and what she believed to be the nation’s first day of thanksgiving. Although it was pointed out at the time that Virginia was the first, it would not do to reward a southern state that had been disloyal to the union. So it became a Pilgrim feast.
I am going to mention here, for President Barack Obama to take note since history seems to be repeating itself, that maybe this year, he might consider adding a small pig to the pardon in the Rose Garden?
In the end, however, we all fell in love with Ginny the pig, have met many turkeys along the way as we visited farms and petting zoos and so, ever after, have had a smorgasbord Thanksgiving that is largely vegetarian.
I will say now what I said then: As fun and frivolous as a turkey or pig pardon by the president may seem, this act of mercy in time of strife serves to remind Americans that no matter what their political opinions or issues, they are still thankful to be one nation, giving thanks to a higher power, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs.
Hostess Brands Inc., announced plans to shutter operations, putting 18,500 people out of work, the days of Hostess snacks at recess are numbered, Nov. 14, 2012. (Reuters)
Hostess, 5-Hour Energy, Tamera Mowry and more: Our parenting news roundup
It’s Friday, and time for our weekly parenting news roundup. Today, we’re helping those of you who might have been distracted from other news by l'affair Petreaus. (And how could you not be intrigued by the strange scandal that has brought down CIA director David Petraeus, embroiled Gen. John R. Allen, and also includes twin sisters, a biographer, custody battles, and a shirtless FBI agent? Moreover, how do you explain that one to the kids?)
So, here’s some of what you missed while you were contemplating 20,000 pages of e-mails and the General-as-Gentleman code of honor:
No more Twinkies?!
We got the shocking news today that Hostess Brands, the maker of childhood memories (I mean, pastries), is shutting down operations. Sure, the company had gone through labor fights and Chapter 11 bankruptcy filings. But they also had Ho Hos. And Ding Dongs. How will tomorrow’s children be able to group themselves, if not into factions of powdered versus chocolate Donettes? News reports say the company will sell its assets to the highest bidder. So we will just have to wait to see if there will be any new life for the Golden Sponge Cake With Creamy Filling.
Dangerous buzz
Talking about not-exactly-health food, more concerns emerged this week about caffeinated energy drinks – those jolts in a can that are popular among teenagers.
The New York Times reported that the US Food and Drug Administration had received reports of 13 deaths possibly related to the energy drink 5-Hour Energy, along with dozens of other reports about health problems allegedly related to the beverage. This comes on top of a lawsuit filed last month against another energy drink – Monster Energy – by the family of a 14-year-old who died after consuming two of the beverages in a 24-hour period. The FDA said that it had received a number of reports about possible deaths related to Monster Energy.
The energy drink manufacturers say their beverages are safe, but concerns about them seem to be growing: This week a group of doctors in Nova Scotia recommended that caffeinated energy beverages not be sold to children under the age of 19; a number of US policymakers also seem to be jumping on the anti-energy drink bandwagon.
The right to birth control
The United Nations for the first time described women’s access to birth control as a universal human right. Although the statement came, in classic UN fashion, in an annual report, advocates were quick to recognize the importance of the message. Global leaders, it was clear, believe that legal, cultural, and financial barriers to contraception are human rights violations.
Or otherwise put: Sandra Fluke, 1. Rush Limbaugh, 0.
The UN Population Fund’s annual report also detailed the financial benefits of contraception access, saying that increased funding for family planning by $4.1 billion could save $11.3 billion a year in health costs for moms and babies in poor countries.
Preterm baby news
The US last year had the lowest rate of preterm births in the past decade, the March of Dimes reported earlier this week, with 11.7 percent of babies born prematurely. That’s down from a 12.8 percent peak in 2006, but is still higher than the 6 percent in Japan and Sweden, or the fewer than 8 percent in Canada and Britain. Meanwhile, a report by specialists from a collection of children’s and medical groups, including Save the Children and the World Health Organization, said this week there is still too little known about how to reduce preterm births across the globe, where some 15 million babies are born before the 38th week of pregnancy.
And the celebs have it…
And finally, “Sister, Sister” actress Tamera Mowry-Housley welcomed a baby boy on Nov. 12. Important business, we realize.
We had written about how Ms. Mowry’s comments about late pregnancy struck us as refreshingly down to earth, i.e. she felt big, uncomfortable, and was ready for this baby to get here now.
Picking up on the new trend of two middle names, (OK, I don’t know if it’s a trend, it just happened in our house), Mowry and Fox News correspondent husband Adam Housely named their son Aden John Tanner Housley.
Happy Friday!
Rolling Stones at 50: A work ethic to raise kids by? (+video)
First of all, let’s do the math. Anyone old enough to remember the Rolling Stones first performance 50 years ago is probably a grandparent. Or a very, very, very old parent.
This fact may make some people shudder and groan, not because being a grandparent is such a bad thing, but because baby boomers (and you know who you are), don’t want to admit to being any older than 29. But we are. A lot older than 29, and so are the Rolling Stones. But never mind that.
The Rolling Stones are on tour again and probably always will be. (This one is called “The Stones – 50 and Counting," and tonight HBO premieres the documentary "Crossfire Hurricane," which chronicles the band's start 50 years ago.) The Stones aren’t the ones who sang “hope I die before I get old.” That was The Who (no Abbott and Costello jokes please).
And the Rolling Stones didn’t say "never trust anyone over 30." That was said by a member of the free speech movement in 1964, and then co-opted by everyone including Bob Dylan and Madison Avenue.
So what did the Rolling Stones say? They asked the rhetorical question, what can a poor boy do, 'cept to sing for a rock 'n' roll band? And for 50 years and counting, that’s what they been doing. They haven’t been poor for at least the last 48 years, but that’s only because they’ve never stopped working. And that’s what makes them so remarkable to me. Not their fountain of youth like antics, but their work ethic. They have never missed a performance. Not once.
That’s impressive. They have never broken up. That’s amazing.
Sure Bill Wyman quietly left the band in 1993, but that was after playing bass with them for over 20 years. That’s more like taking early retirement than quitting. Mr. Wyman re-entered the work force four years later with his own more modest though eponymous band. Last month [October] after a 20 year hiatus, he performed again with the Rolling Stones.The band was all smiles and hugs, and not just for the cameras. Mr. Jagger, Mr. Richards, Mr. Watts and Mr. Wood seemed genuinely delighted to be playing with their mate again.
And so what if Wyman’s cohorts continue to rock on? So does Warren Buffett after all. I wonder if Buffett plays bass?
When I was a kid, the Rolling Stones were the bad boys of rock and roll.The Beatles were the good guys. But it turns out that was only show biz, not reality. The Beatles did some pretty bad things, and yes so did the Rolling Stones. But on balance the Rolling Stones have turned out to be more than just survivors.
It should be said that Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are also much more than just survivors. They have continued to contribute to the musical scene. But they aren’t the Beatles anymore. The Rolling Stones, love them or not, are still The Rolling Stones. They are the good guys at least from my way of looking at it.
They continue to work and play, at the same time. They act like they are having fun, even if they aren’t, at least all the time. They do what professionals are supposed to do. They work hard, they show up, they honor their commitments, to their fans anyway, and to themselves. And they aim for and achieve excellence. Most days.
That’s saying a lot.
Forget if you can about their personal failings and foibles. Just look at the work. Or better still, listen to their music. Past, present, and future. It’s good, it’s consistent, and it’s never been more – or less – than what they said it was. It’s only rock’n’roll. But I like it.
The Christian Science Monitor has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Madora Kibbe writes a blog for Psychology Today called "Thinking Makes It So." She has also written a blog about the so-called Empty Nest Syndrome.
Liberal paternity leave policy in Norway has helped progressively redefine traditional gender roles. Here, families use a playground at Oslo's Vigelands Park. (Saleha Mohsin)
Norway and paternity leave: Father's day of a different kind
During my first six months in Norway I noticed that something very peculiar was going on.
It was before my son had a place in day care and we used to go out nearly every day to a playgroup or kiddie center. I got to know a Norwegian named Jeanette and her 6-month-old daughter Agniete. We ran into each other a few times a week and would swap war stories of early parenthood while our kids played.
And that’s when it happened – Jeanette disappeared.
I was at one of our usual playgroups and saw Agniete, but her mom was nowhere. Instead Agniete was scooting happily back to a man in his mid-30’s. He was too well-dressed to be a nanny and too doting to be a waif uncle. After I ran into him several times, we finally spoke, and it turns out he is Agniete’s dad, Tom.
Tom was on pappa permisjon, or paternity leave. He said that his wife had taken six months of her maternity leave but then went back to work for a few months to get things in order, while he stepped in to take care of Agniete. Three months later Jeanette was back home to finish what was left of her mamma permisjon.
The peculiar thing that I had witnessed was the men's rights movement in Norway.
By placing equal responsibilities on men and women, traditional gender roles have been progressively redefined.
Nov. 11 was Father’s Day in Norway which in this part of the world is more than just a celebration of dads who teach kids to throw a football. That morning, I made my husband fresh scones to celebrate not only his role as a father, but his rights as a man.
That’s right, I’m celebrating the freedom my husband has as a man living in Norway, which give him the right to:
- leave the office by 5:30 p.m. to spend time with his family (barring the occasional deadline)
- adjust his office hours around day-care pickup/dropoff
- have time to organize family dinners and help with housework
The Norwegian government has socially engineered a society where men and women are expected to have equal domestic and economic responsibilities. Walk around the streets of Oslo on a weekday morning and you’ll see proof: there are dads everywhere. Equipped with babybags, strollers or babycarriers, you’ll find them in coffee shops or at playgroups singing nursery rhymes.
Redistributing familial duties is simple: excellent work-to-life balance and superb parental benefits, which include a quota for fathers.
The Norwegian government spends 16 billion kroner ($2.8 billion) a year on parental benefits for a sparse population of 5 million. Here’s a breakdown of what that buys:
- Parents share time off which is either 47 weeks off of work with 100 percent pay or 57 weeks off with 80 percent pay
- The first six weeks are just for the mother, for obvious medical reasons
- Of the total paid time off shared between parents, 14 weeks are reserved exclusively for the father. If he doesn’t claim this, both parents lose this share of the parental benefits.
The government very clearly states that the paternity quota, established nearly 20 years ago, is designed to encourage men to share the role of caregiver at home.
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Last year when my then 18-month-old son had the flu, my husband’s boss heard that I was heading to the doctor and insisted that he drop everything and go to the appointment too. I was surprised by this; it was just the flu after all. But his boss appreciated that we were new to Norway and that a little extra support in the early days would go a long way. It was an example of a radically different attitude about employee welfare.
Reese Witherspoon's baby boy, Tennessee James Toth, was spotted out and about in Los Angeles today with his mom. The celebrity press went crazy. This and other stories are part of our weekly news roundup. (Here, Witherspoon poses during a photo call for Mud at the 65th international film festival, in Cannes, southern France, in May.) (Joel Ryan/AP)
Reese Witherspoon baby, Obama Moms and more: Our parenting news roundup.
It’s Friday, so time for our parenting news roundup.
Yes, we'll get to the new Reese Witherspoon baby. But the big news this week, of course, was the election. Picking The Leader Of The Free World and all that. But who knew how many family stories could be wrapped up in presidential politics? Check out our sampling here.
And the Walmarts have it...
We wrote about how President Barack Obama beat out GOP challenger Mitt Romney in securing the mom vote. (Fifty-six percent of mothers voted for Mr. Obama, according to exit polls, compared to 43 percent who went for Mr. Romney.) But we’ve since learned more about the voting patterns of a key faction of American mothers – the “Walmart Moms.”
As the Monitor’s Linda Feldmann explained in one of her news stories earlier this week, “Walmart Moms” are women who shop at Walmart at least once a month and have children aged 18 or younger living at home. They were seen by both political parties as a key voting block this year. Soon after the election, the research firm Public Opinion Strategies and Momentum Analysis – doing analysis for Walmart, we should note – found that Walmart Moms tracked more closely with the overall electorate than moms overall – 50 percent went for Obama, while 48 percent broke for Romney.
Those who said the economy was the deciding factor in their voting tended to go for Romney (66 percent) while those who picked health care as the most important issue in the election picked Obama (68 percent). Those who cared most about education also went for Obama. Seventy percent of single Walmart moms and 56 percent of younger Walmart moms (age 18-39) also went for Obama.
Which brings us to....
Apathy? Says who?
Before the election, most pollsters expected a low turnout from young voters and pundits had returned to their “what’s the matter with kids today” theme.
As the Pew Research Center’s Scott Keeter, director of survey research, explained to me earlier this week, Pew’s numbers showed that by the weekend before the election, only 59 percent of 18-29-year-olds were registered to vote, as compared to 72 percent in 2008. But Mr. Keeter also pointed out that slightly more young people – 79 percent compared to 75 percent – told researchers that they “definitely planned to vote this year.”
Turns out that was the part that mattered. Exit polls showed that young voters made up 19 percent of the electorate this year – one point higher than in 2008.
And they overwhelmingly went for Obama, 60 percent to 37 percent. This fits with what Obama supporters had been saying all along: that traditional polling under represents the opinion of young people because it does not reach those who live in a mobile world. In other words, if you don’t have a landline – the case for many young people, and particularly minorities – you don’t get polled.
Just think about that the next time you catch your teen texting. Hidden political activism, right there.
Breathe in...
But to see real commitment to the electoral process, check out the story of Galicia Malone, the Chicago area woman who was already in labor when she stopped to vote on her way to the hospital. This was the first presidential election in which Malone was eligible to cast her ballot (she is 21 years old), and she told reporters that she wasn’t going to miss the opportunity.
“This made a major difference in my life,” she told WBBM Newsradio. “And I wanted this to be a stepping stone for my daughter.”
So, with contractions five minutes apart (yikes!) she voted at the New Life Celebration Church in the suburb of Dolton.
“I was just trying to read and breathe, read and breathe,” she said.
And in other news....
Of course, there was more to life than presidential politics this past week. There was the New Gerber Baby. After a nationwide Facebook contest, with more than 300,000 entries, Gerber picked 8-month-old Mary Jane Montoya to become the new face of the baby food line, and sent $50,000 to her parents for a college fund. The original Gerber baby model, now 85-year-old Ann Turner Cook, says she is delighted to be passing the crown.
And don’t forget mama-of-three Reese Witherspoon. Just today – only a couple weeks after earning oohs and ahs for stepping out in postpartum skinny jeans (see our post from a few months ago on the trend of the celebrity “momshell”) – the actress got more breathless coverage for being spotted out in Los Angeles with 6-week-old son Tennessee James Toth. “Reese Witherspoon Debuts Baby Boy!” the headlines screamed.
It really wasn’t a “debut,” we’ll point out. The paparazzi just caught Ms. Witherspoon out and about, doing what moms do. But still, we’ll take it. As we’ve said before, everyone loves babies.
Adventurous fashionista Madeleine plays with a blonde wig – an item we can only assume she was not allowed to bring to School Picture Day. (Courtesy of the Belsie family)
China adoption diary: School picture day, nostalgia, and a paper clip barrette
During the month of October, our home calendar was marked in red with a special notation: School Picture Day. This semiannual rite dredged up clear memories of my own elementary school days and the importance attached to those humble photos.
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For years, our school system used only one photographer: an independent agent named Harry MacWilliams. He was a Carl Reiner type with a booming voice, a loud plaid sport coat and a 15-cent pocket-comb that he passed down the line of children waiting their turn in front of the camera. In those days, no one gave a thought to skin allergies or head lice. About as far as we got was a mention of cooties followed by hushed snickering.
The all-class photo featured “thumbnails” of deer-in-the-headlights faces that were sometimes accented with mashed or horned hairdos. If a classmate happened to miss the picture day, a small caricature filled his thumbnail space with the corny caption “Gone Fishin'."
By today’s standards, school picture day in the 1960’s was rudimentary at best.
Our daughters’ photographic needs are handled by a slick company that offers photo montages, modest air-brushing upon request, jaunty poses and a variety of interesting photo backdrops.
Eleven-year-old Grace has always opted for the subdued mottled gray background because it shows her specially chosen outfit off to greater advantage. For those with a more adventurous bent, the company offers a sylvan glade setting (for parents who fancy their child as a wood sprite,) a modest cliff along what appears to be the craggy Maine coastline, and improbably, an old abandoned fishing shack. Last year, without our ordering it, we received wallet-sized photos with the sylvan glade backdrop. Grace sent one to her grandmother with the added note “It was awfully buggy here.”
Our collective attention this year was focused on how to prepare younger sister Madeleine for this distinctly American rite. A concerned family member sent dresses from L.L. Bean, hoping that these would divert Madeleine’s attention from the pink capri pants she wants to wear every day. Grace and I conferred, strategized and then laid out several clothing options on the bed for Madeleine to choose from. Much to our surprise, she selected a hand-me-down from Grace that was actually the fanciest of them all. It was an unexpected victory that was regrettably short-lived as Madeleine began to create new and unusual hairdos the night before school picture day.
She decided to take the hair from the back right-hand side of her head and wrap it across her forehead in a bold comb-over statement. This involved any number of bobby pins and/or barrettes. By breakfast the next morning, things had calmed down a bit with the hair, and as I sent them off on the bus, I quietly kept my fingers crossed for a successful school picture session.
After all, the cheapest package you can buy now is $30. Multiplied times two children, twice a year (our school does them in fall and spring), you’re looking at a pricey investment in sentimentality.
Throughout the day, I found myself wondering about the photo session. Would Madeleine, whose English comprehension is still quite limited, understand when the assistants asked her to pose a certain way or tried to style her dry and spiky little ponytail? Would she smile or stare at the camera with the stern face we call “The Old Emperor”?
At 3:10, when the school bus pulled up at the intersection in front of our house, I was eager to hear Grace’s report on the events of the day. I never got a chance. The only thing I could focus on was the paper clip that Madeleine was wearing as a barrette.
Twenty years from now, that paper-clipped second-grader will no doubt be featured in a special Power Point presentation we put together for Madeleine’s wedding reception. We’ll think back to those elementary school days and know the $30 was well spent, and the photo is indeed priceless.
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