Us: Americans Talk About Love

For others, a relationship lasts but demands unfathomable tests of strength. “It got to the point where I was asking God for the strength to get through the day because I did not know whether or not my wife was going to be alive when I got home,” says Steven Hager of Colorado, married for 21 years. After his wife suffered an accident, the pain left her suicidally depressed, and she tried to kill herself with a shotgun before he intercepted her (on more than one occasion).

There are stories of grief. Kathy Barrett, a 72-year-old widow from Vermont, recalls her idyllic marriage to Bob: “On most major issues, we thought alike, and if it was minor issues, we didn’t bother arguing,” she says. “We were both Roman Catholics, we believed in the tenets of our faith. I really think there’s a spiritual side to love.” He died of a heart attack eight years after their wedding, and she never wanted to be with anyone else. “I know what I had for the time I had it,” she says.

In his preface, Bowe explains that “Us” makes no attempt to offer a grand, sweeping statement on its subject. He notes that many people show their best selves in love, while others are at their most monstrous – and no matter what, so many marriages in America end in divorce. Still, he discovered some instructive elements among those who have achieved “successful” love, which Bowe defines as “a series of simple actions, performed repeatedly in various forms: listen, affirm, accept, support, commit, share, be honest, forgive.” There’s nothing sexy or exciting about that, but it works.

One of the book’s most inspiring love stories is the longest-lasting marriage featured in “Us”: 65 years, although Fred White and his wife, Helen, from Mission, Kan., have actually been together for 71 years – since junior high school.

“She was quite a doll, and I didn’t want anybody else,” says Mr. White. “That’s the way it was. I’ve got good taste!”

Now 86 years old (with a 62-year-old son), White admits that the duration of his happy marriage is extraordinary, but he believes it is possible for anyone. “I don’t have a lot of advice,” he says. “True love exists. If you make it. It’s a true thing if you make it.”

Carmela Ciuraru is the author of several anthologies, including “Poems for America.” She is writing a nonfiction book for HarperCollins.

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