Abigail Breslin of 'Little Miss Sunshine' should run for president

She comes with no baggage, is as tall as Martin Van Buren, and knows the difference between the Olson twins.

By Chuck Cohen

from the April 4, 2008 edition

I think it's time for everyone to drop out of the presidential race. Let's face it, no one wants another six months of Bosnian runways, misspoken pastors, and Sunni-Shiite mix-ups.

What America needs is a candidate with no baggage. Surprisingly there is one – a candidate with no votes to attack, no positions to flip-flop on, and, most important, very little past for gossip-loving bloggers to blog about. I am speaking, of course, of that energetic and youthful next president of the US, Abigail Breslin.

Now before you say "Who?" do you remember that adorable little girl in the film "Little Miss Sunshine?" If you don't, then stop reading this and rent the film. Because every one who sees her loves Abigail. She's not overly gorgeous or cloyingly cute, she's just who she is – a preteen (11) we would all want baby sitting our children.

(Would you really want any of the other candidates sitting for your kids? Not only would your children be bored after 15 minutes discussing the subprime mortgage crisis, but it is hard to imagine any of them playing Crazy Eights.)

Abigail would not only be our first female president, she'd be the first of either gender who can still order from the children's menu at restaurants. True, a couple parts of the Constitution would have to be altered, but if we all rise up and say to our legislators, "Do this or no more free Super Bowl tickets," I'm sure they'd oblige.

Yes, I understand voters might be put off by the candidate's age, or lack of it. But do we really need a president who can stay up past 9:30 p.m.? Do we care if our leader can pronounce the name of the president of Kazakhstan let alone spell it? I think it's far more important to have a president who knows how to pronounce Mary J. Blige.

True, picky people – and you know who you are – might find some things to pick on. She is short as presidents go. But there is a precedent because our eighth president, Martin Van Buren, was so short his predecessor, Andrew Jackson, used to carry him around in his waistcoat pocket.

Now Abby, as her closest political advisers and orthodontist call her, does possess foreign policy limitations. Nevertheless, she has an extensive familiarity with Japanese culture due to her fondness for Benihana's hibachi shrimp and steak dinner.

Plus, haven't we elected chief executives in the past whose knowledge of world cultures was gathered from numerous visits to Epcot? Think how much fun the White House would be with a president who actually wants to be in the Easter Egg Roll. Who isn't embarrassed to read the comics each morning. A leader who knows the difference between the Olson twins. A real actor, once more, on the world stage who knows Hannah Montana isn't a town in the eastern part of the state.

After all, we have often liked the children of our presidents more than their parents. So why not elect a child?

• Chuck Cohen writes from Mill Valley, Calif.