How to say no at work ... and still get ahead

It's easier than many women might think.

from the March 3, 2008 edition

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Does the request fit within your priorities? Is it part of your personal agenda? Will it bring you closer to your goals? Will you be happy or fulfilled if you agree to the request? Are you inclined to say yes out of a desire to be helpful? Are you being asked to do something meaningful or substantive? Can you do it well? Is someone else better suited to handle the responsibility?

If you decide that it is not in your best interest to say yes, state your no clearly and decisively. A clear no, communicated in a timely manner, is easier to deal with than a mushy nonanswer that leaves the requester in the twilight zone.

A young college professor told me that she said yes to everything her boss asked her to do because she thought she wouldn't get tenure if she refused an assignment. When a family health crisis forced her to cut back on other obligations, I advised her to set limits at work. Saying no paid off. Focusing on projects that were important to her, she was tenured in record time.

Like this professor, you may feel inclined to explain your reasons, but be brief. Clarify why the request doesn't fit within your priorities, strategies, or prior commitments. If it's a policy-based decision, explain why your refusal should not be taken personally.

Acknowledge the requester's need by suggesting other ways of getting it done, if possible. It's always better to be helpful when you can, and sometimes your generosity comes full circle.

For instance, a venture capitalist told me that when she says no to a start-up, she provides business strategies so the principals will look back on the conversation from a positive perspective: "You help them and they'll help you some way in the future – perhaps they will send you somebody else, and maybe that's the next Google."

To be sure, women have proven themselves in the work force, and yet many of us still struggle with old patterns of saying yes when we would rather refuse. Breaking that cycle by allowing yourself enough time to weigh your options is not only healthy, it's a pathway to success.

Nanette Gartrell, MD is the author of "My Answer Is NO … If That's Okay with You: How Women Can Say NO and (Still) Feel Good About It."

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