The right – and wrong – way to give advice

A friend's beliefs or habits are holding him or her back. Should you say something? If so, what?

from the July 10, 2007 edition

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Assuming you've been invited to be an adviser, how can you promote this process of self-discovery?

I like to ask results-oriented questions. I would ask a procrastinating client: "What's at stake if you don't complete the project?" and "What advice would you give someone else in your position?" Of course, coaching works best when the person is capable of making a change and willing to work on resolving the issue. If either of these elements is missing, then life experience will likely be the best teacher.

Try asking some questions, listening, and letting the conversation itself guide you to your next question. For example:

What is the issue? What results are you currently getting? What would have to be true, and by when, for you to feel overwhelmingly good about the outcome? What barriers do you imagine or see that would have to be removed for you to get there? What's your role in changing things for the better going forward? What do you need? What is the most powerful step you can take to resolve it/get it done? How would you like to do that? How do you want to be held accountable?

Listen deeply and open your mind and heart to seeing the situation through the eyes of your friend. By releasing your own preconceptions and ego, you will be able to learn what your friend is truly up against, and where to help your friend find his or her own answers.

In fact, by detaching from your own advice-based arguments and helping a friend discover his or her own solutions, you will enable more insightful decisions to be made – now and in the future.

Taken together, these guidelines and questions will help us help one another, an important part of being a friend.

• David Peck is president of Leadership Unleashed, a coaching and consulting firm. He writes "The Recovering Leader" blog.

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