The right – and wrong – way to give advice

A friend's beliefs or habits are holding him or her back. Should you say something? If so, what?

from the July 10, 2007 edition

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First and foremost, it's best to be invited to the party. The person in question must give you permission to speak freely and get into potentially sensitive issues. And the nature of your relationship must give you standing to be a trusted adviser.

The exception? If the proverbial boulder is plummeting toward someone, then by all means step in.

The more common and challenging scenario relates to beliefs or behavior that you observe repeatedly over time. You see the issue and the impact, but your friend does not. What to do?

In fact, we all have blind spots. Jack doesn't listen well. Sarah is obsessive about work, but not very productive. Tim is constantly choosing professional situations that bore him, then bailing.

We need help from trusted advisers to learn what's in our blind spots. What we learn tends to be embarrassing. But, if we can absorb the shock, the clarity we gain can help us take a giant step forward.

Even the simplest observation of another can be life changing, so long as you've been invited to offer your insights and your only agenda is to help them.

What about advice? It's so easy to confuse telling others what they should or shouldn't do with helping them.

As a coach, I try to avoid dispensing advice to others. Why? Because it assumes I know what's best for my clients, and 99 percent of the time, they have the best answers, not me. Practicing and learning how to look for one's own answers is more effective, sustainable, and valuable.

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