The right – and wrong – way to give advice

A friend's beliefs or habits are holding him or her back. Should you say something? If so, what?

By David Peck

from the July 10, 2007 edition

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Palm Springs, Calif. - Americans are swimming in advice. Countless experts tell us what to eat, how to date, and what to do when interest rates rise. Success is just a seminar or self-help book away!

Is it any wonder, then, that so many of us try to be life coaches for our friends? Reality TV has assured us that people like extreme makeovers, so the temptation to point out a friend's flaws and offer to help is great indeed.

But no matter how noble the motive, this is dangerous territory. We've all been burned by offering – or receiving – unwelcome "words of wisdom." On the last day of my final corporate job, my then-boss offered me a little unsolicited advice: "If I were you," she said in a conspiratorial tone, "I'd open up a chain of check-cashing places in impoverished neighborhoods." Ouch!

That said, true friends lift each other up in times of need.

At a critical juncture in my career, I asked a trusted companion for feedback. His insight proved to be a gem: "You always think you're going to fall a mile when you make a mistake, but it's only an inch – an 'oops.' Mistakes are not only human and normal, but perfectly OK."

I had been unaware of my fear of mistakes, which was driving me to be both relentlessly perfectionist and controlling. Nor was I aware that it was so obvious to others. That simple yet powerful observation helps me to this day.

When we notice things about our friends, peers, or colleagues that could really assist them, should we help, and if so, how?

Some principles I've learned as an executive coach are worth noting.

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