Backstory: What I won't do on my next summer vacation

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1. Fly during the morning.

2. Fly during the afternoon.

3. Fly during the evening.

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4. Rent a car assembled in Kazakhstan.

5. Order fish for dinner at the same place I buy gas.

6. Check into a motel with waterbed problems.

7. Shower last in the morning.

8. Go to a sandless beach.

9. Go to a sandless, waterless beach.

10. Trust a child who says he can make it to the next rest stop – 20 miles down the road.

11. Engage in a political discussion at a truck stop.

12. Believe my wife when she says the children will enjoy the Museum of Tea Cozies.

13. Believe my wife when she says I will enjoy the Museum of Tea Cozies.

14. Allow beach balls in the car.

15. Allow hula hoops in the car.

16. Allow children in the car.

17. Honk at motorcycle riders with visible tattoos.

18. Believe my brother-in-law who insists it's legal to drive 75 in a 65 m.p.h. zone in California.

19. Stay at a motel whose name includes the following words: Happy, Ye, or Olde.

20. Listen to people who say I won't feel the 106 degree F. heat in the desert because it's a "dry" heat.

21. Stop at Paula Abdul's childhood home, which is now an IHop.

22. See more than six animated films featuring talking animals in any one week.

23. Let each child choose a favorite radio station for the entire day.

24. Assume a Happy Meal will make children happy.

25. Eat at a restaurant called EAT.

26. Dine at an establishment where the piano player sings "Feelings" in four languages.

27. Take another summer vacation.

Chuck Cohen is a California-based satirist and advertising writer.

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