Yours, mine, then yours again

Although Ricci calls herself a "big supporter" of shared parenting, she cautions that it should not be a catchall for difficult situations. "You can have an old-fashioned parenting arrangement that works just fine."

Ricci sees a push on some fronts for shared parenting to be the norm. But she emphasizes that parents have an obligation "to take very seriously what it's going to take to be an effective parent. It requires more sophistication, more skill."

Some parents who cannot communicate well in person keep in touch by e-mail. Others coordinate children's schedules on special websites.

Even if parents' relationships are strained, Ms. Sooho urges them to make every effort to be pleasant during pickups and dropoffs. "If the parents are reasonably calm during the transitions, if they are mature and gracious, and say 'Hello, how are you?' [to the other parent], children are usually fine with it."

Mr. Hogan expects that in the short run, passing legislation on shared parenting could be "very tough." As fathers'-rights groups become better organized and more vocal, he says, opponents are also gaining strength. But in the long term, he thinks supporters "will gradually be able to convince the legislatures that shared parenting is a good idea."

Last Thursday evening, nearly 200 members of Fathers & Families turned out in Boston for a meeting on the issue. "Without the law behind you, you don't really have shared parenting," said Michael Paolino of Hampton, N.H., a participant.

As attitudes toward postdivorce child rearing change, so does the vocabulary. Instead of "visitation schedule," some divorce lawyers and judges now say "parenting schedule," Sooho says. Rather than "custodial and noncustodial parents," they refer to the "primary residential parent" and the "nonresidential parent."

"The words 'custody' and 'visitation' belong to prisons and hospitals," Ricci says. "This may be useful language for the legal system, but not for families."

By whatever name, these complex arrangements produce varied opinions. Neil Gussman of Philadelphia, who was divorced 10 years ago and is remarried, has two teenage daughters who take a positive view. They leave for school from one parent's house and go home to the other.

"I have asked several times over the years if the girls would like a different arrangement, but so far, seeing both parents nearly every day is very important to them," he says.

Shari is cautious: "My sons do get tired of having two of everything," she says. "I don't think we're really going to know how they perceive it until the storms of adolescence pass. But they see, on a regular basis, how their parents put forth the effort to continue this over what is now a very long time."

Looking back over the past eight years, she adds, "It's been an interesting ride. You have to be really committed to it and be willing to do the work to make it happen. But I think it's worth it."

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