Yours, mine, then yours again
Many divorced couples are trying a more equitable sharing of child-rearing duties. But it's not for all.
Ever since his parents separated nearly two years ago and then divorced, Danny Hechter has become a master of logistics, dividing his time equally between two homes in suburban Minneapolis. Sunday through Tuesday, the seventh-grader lives with his mother, Lynn Sadoff. From after school on Wednesday until Saturday morning, he stays with his father, Rich Hechter. Saturday noon the three meet for Danny's bowling league. Saturday afternoon and evening are flexible.
"We decided on an exact 50-50 split," says Ms. Sadoff, a hospital publicist. "He had very strong relationships with both of us."
Their arrangement makes them part of a growing band of divorced parents trying to create more equitable arrangements to care for their children. Instead of the traditional approach, in which children live full time with one parent - usually the mother - and spend weekends and some holidays with the other parent, these families split their time. Some choose a 30/70 division, while others prefer a 40/60 or 50/50 sharing.
"More and more men are doing more child rearing during the marriage," says Sharyn Sooho, cofounder of Divorcenet.com. "As a result, more men are seeking significant parenting roles after divorce, sometimes asking to be primary residential parents."
No national statistics track the number of parents with shared-parenting arrangements. But Daniel Hogan, executive director of Fathers & Families, an advocacy group in Boston, estimates that joint physical custody is awarded 10 to 30 percent of the time, depending on the state.
"It's increasing," he says.
Eleven states have laws that include some presumption of joint physical custody, Mr. Hogan adds. "Only five states say expressly that it's fine to award joint custody even if one party disagrees. It's always at the discretion of the judge to decide if it's in the best interest of the children."
Even those who generally support shared parenting offer a caveat: Staying with both parents is in the child's best interest "only if it's not dangerous, either physically or emotionally for the child," says Mr. Hechter, a family law attorney.
He finds that shared parenting works best when parents reside in close proximity and in the same school district. He and Sadoff live just eight blocks apart, making it easy for Danny to go back and forth.
Successful arrangements also depend on parents' work schedules, their child-rearing skills, and the ages of the children. "The youngest children need one main home base," says Wendy Allen, a psychotherapist in Santa Barbara, Calif., who works with custody issues.
Some critics argue that many children of all ages need one primary home. Lots of shuttling back and forth can be tough, they say. Supporters counter that having a close relationship with both parents outweighs the disadvantage of two homes.
Some divorced parents actually find that the need to maintain regular contact with each other has helped them to forge a good relationship.
