Divorce's shadow: when older parents need help

When Linda Rhodes's parents divorced nearly 30 years ago, she knew the family was forever altered. But what she couldn't imagine then was the far-flung responsibility she would shoulder in helping her parents in their later years in separate locations. She frequently shuttles from her home in suburban Philadelphia to her mother's house in Phoenix and her father's home in Erie, Pa.

"For the past 10 years, I've been pretty active with both of them," says Dr. Rhodes, author of "Caregiving as Your Parents Age."

This kind of caregiving triangle is becoming more common as a generation of divorced parents grows older. The US Census reports that 7 percent of older men and 8.6 percent of older women are divorced. In 1960, less than 2 percent of men and women in this age group were divorced.

"We're facing a demographic bubble," says William Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis. "The divorce revolution, the big increase, started in the late 1960s. The average person who gets divorced is in their 30s. We're coming up to a generation who in large numbers are going to enter late adulthood."

Calling this "the long shadow of divorce," Professor Doherty adds, "We tend to think of the impact of divorce as something that occurs during childhood. We forget how long it goes on."

That impact in later years can include everything from caregiving, as in Rhodes's case, to questions of loyalty, finances, and inheritance. At the same time, these late-life interactions offer opportunities for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Divorced elderly parents, particularly fathers, are less likely than widowed elderly parents to have adult children willing to provide informal care, says Barbara Steinberg Schone, a senior economist at the Agency for Health Care Research and Quality in Rockville, Md. She has studied the effects of divorce on families in later life.

Because fathers have typically been noncustodial parents, many have had weaker family ties after divorce. But, Ms. Steinberg Schone adds, "That may change because now there's more joint custody. Fathers have played a more active role."

Remarried parents typically receive less informal care from their children, she also finds. In addition, they tend to give less cash assistance to their children than parents who married only once.

Yet devotion runs deep for many adult children. Rhodes recently spent nearly a month in Phoenix helping her mother. She also makes monthly trips to check on her father, who lives alone. She spends hours on paperwork for each of them, filling out insurance forms and trying to understand the complexities of Medicare Part D. Rhodes and her sister split the time spent with their parents. "It's been extremely helpful that we can do that," she says.

As a consultant in education, Rhodes is not bound to the rigid demands of a 9-to-5 job. If she had not been able to be flexible, she would have used the Family and Medical Leave Act. It gives workers up to 12 weeks to care for a family member. "You don't get paid, but you know your job will be there when you get back."

Although Rhodes is in her 50s, she says, "I'm like a child who is 8 years old who fantasizes about their parents getting back together. It would be much easier."

Thomas Jedlowski of New York was only 5 when his parents divorced. Over the years he has helped his mother in a variety of ways, offering physical, financial, and emotional support. Five years ago, when she had surgery, he assisted with her recovery. That cost him a part-time job.

"I had to call in to miss several shifts," says Mr. Jedlowski, now a publicist. "They said, 'This isn't your health issue, it's your mother's.' I said, 'I'm all she has.' They fired me."

Page: 1 | 2