The greatest generation shares the wealth

"It's easy to divide $50,000 in half," says Ken Dychtwald, president of Age Wave, a research and consulting firm in San Francisco. "But if there's a ring that Mom wore her whole life, it's precious not because of the gem but because of the wearer. How do you divide that in half?"

It's the kind of question Les Kotzer, an estate lawyer, hears daily. Parents who fail to write wills, or who assume that their children will "do the right thing" in sharing the estate, often harm family relationships permanently.

Mr. Kotzer, coauthor of "The Family Fight: Planning to Avoid It," even writes songs on the subject. One begins, "You can't divide a painting on the wall, and you can't share a table in the hall. How do you divide the memories?" He adds, "Some of the greatest fights I see are over the memories."

To minimize these challenges, Mark Zesbaugh, chief executive of Allianz Life, suggests broadening family discussions. Instead of simply focusing on inheritance - the tricky subject of money - he proposes using a more general word, legacies. These include possessions with emotional value and what the study calls non-financial leave-behinds, such as family traditions, stories, and values. This broader context makes sensitive conversations easier for many, he says.

Not all parents want to discuss the topic. Newman says it's a personal decision. "Either discuss it or don't discuss it. Don't just drop little hints, such as, 'Well, maybe I'll leave this picture to you, but your sister likes it too.' "

Most survey respondents plan to distribute their money equally among their children. But "if you have a child who is divorced and has three children, and she's getting no support from her ex- husband, she's going to be far needier than a brother who is well-established in his own thriving business," Newman says.

When the distribution of money is unequal - or when there's considerable wealth - conversations are especially important, financial experts say.

"If parents are not going to be doing equal distribution, it's very important that they talk to their children about it," says Sharon Rich, a financial planner in Belmont, Mass. This avoids surprises later and minimizes possible resentment between children.

For parents with large estates, Newman suggests preparing children. "You don't have to give a dollar amount. But you can tell them, 'Look, you're going to inherit a sizable amount of money and you don't know anything about managing money.' You may want that child to take a course, or you may want to educate your child yourself."

One person not expecting an inheritance is Scott Testa, an entrepreneur near Philadelphia. His wealthy grandparents left no money to his parents, giving away large sums instead. He expects his parents to continue the pattern.

"We've talked about it, and it's been implied," he says. "I'm a better person for it. I love my parents more than anything. I think the best gift they gave me is not giving me any money. I've just seen too many situations where it causes more trouble than it's worth. So I have to give away mine too."

For those who do expect to give or receive assets, Ms. Rich urges communication - now.

"The worst inheritance a family can give is an inheritance that is divisive," she says. "People say, 'Oh yeah, we'll talk about this later.' But we don't always know if there's going to be a later. If you do anything this week, start the conversation with your parents or with your children."

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