The artful dodge of housework

Some men complain that even though they're doing more around the house, it never seems to be enough to satisfy their wives. A little appreciation goes a long way, they say.

"Too tired" to help is one of the excuses Coleman hears frequently from men. Others include "I don't know how," "I earn more than you, so I shouldn't have to do anything when I get home," and "I contribute in other ways."

Mark Hughes, a radio talk show host in Swarthmore, Pa., is candid about his domestic shortcomings. "I admit it, I'm definitely not doing my share of the housework," he says. Because he travels part of the week, the couple employs a baby sitter four or five half days. That enables his wife to take care of household chores.

When men do pitch in equally, wives speak in superlatives. Karen Wright of Mankato, Minn., calls herself "probably the most fortunate woman in America." Her husband, Jeff Pribyl, a chemistry professor, does "more than his share" of housework and child care and never complains, she says. He takes care of the laundry. Both vacuum, dust, and pick up the house. If one is busy, the other takes over.

Seeing this behavior as a child can often make a difference. Ms. Wright, operations director at a public radio station, notes that she and her husband both grew up with fathers who were fully involved in helping with domestic chores. "I think it's a natural for us," she says.

James Williams of Austin, Texas, also learned household skills from his father when he was growing up. Now married with two young children, Mr. Williams cooks, does dishes and laundry, mows the grass, and cleans the cat box, says his wife, Lauren. Both work full time.

Linda Kavelin Popov and her husband, Don, motivational speakers in Salt Spring Island, British Columbia, share the housework. Whatever task he's doing, she avoids criticizing. Her sanguine philosophy: "If he's going to do it, let him do it his way."

As more couples follow that advice and find their own way to divvy up inescapable chores, Coleman expects a domestic revolution to take place - someday. "It's getting better, it's changing, but there's still a long way to go," he says. "Everybody has to invent it for themselves."

Joshua Coleman offers these tips to wives who want to get their husbands to help more around the house:

• Be willing to negotiate and compromise about standards. Families tend to work better when women can lower their standards, and men can raise theirs. This is particularly important when they become new parents.

• Approach the subject with affection. Conversations tend to end the way they began. When men feel constantly criticized or unappreciated, they shut down on both housework and parenting.

• Be assertive. Sometimes negotiating standards and being affectionate aren't enough. Be open to compromise, but state very clearly what you want your partner to do. If you're ignored, consider saying something like, "I'm no longer going to cook dinner if you're not going to help with the dishes."

• Avoid giving mixed messages. Women will often get their husbands to agree to do something - but before he has a chance to do it, they do it for him.

• Avoid being a micromanager. A man is going to enjoy it more if he does it his way.

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