Remarriage after retirement

To avoid engaging in battles with parents and their new spouses, adult offspring need to tackle their fear of expressing what's in their hearts and thoughts, says Brian Carpenter, a psychologist and assistant professor at Washington University in St. Louis.

"Often people feel they can't speak candidly," says Dr. Carpenter. "That's the stumbling block that families [sometimes] can't get over when a parent remarries. But you have to talk about these things."

However, he adds, it's important to choose the right time to do this. It's not a good idea to communicate your concerns during a wedding toast, or while you're standing in the reception line just after your parent has tied the knot.

Holidays are likewise a bad time to bring up your worries.

Family members who are concerned that the new stepparent will appropriate their inheritance are especially reluctant to speak up, says Gabe.

"If they don't bring this up, they lose an opportunity to talk with their parent about it. They will find themselves becoming more emotionally estranged, which is a big mistake," she says.

When a parent plans to remarry, it's appropriate to ask if he will rewrite his will or consider a prenuptial agreement, says Gabe. Siblings should get together as a group to discuss this issue with the parent. Or they should select a sibling who is business-minded to speak for them.

"Children need to ensure that parents protect themselves in case the marriage does not work out," Gabe says. Grown children who don't speak up may later regret it if the parent encounters financial troubles as a result of the new marriage. "They feel badly that they didn't say anything early to help protect the parent."

Ms. McLeod and her siblings were initially concerned that their dad would leave his money to his wife, and his wife's kids would inherit it from her.

"But my dad and stepmom pretty much ended up spending all their money, so it's not an issue now," she says. They bought a lakeside house that they share with their families, and McLeod is happy about that.

Not all adult stepkids are as pleased with the outcome of the financial decisions their remarried parents make. Susan Piver of Boston says her grandfather remarried and changed his will so that his new wife's children inherited some of the things Ms. Piver's mom would otherwise have inherited.

"Thirty years later, it's still upsetting to my family members," says Piver, author of "The Hard Questions For Adult Children and Their Aging Parents."

However, parents may understandably feel that decisions about inheritances are theirs alone to make. So it can be a delicate subject to broach.

Grown children can become especially upset about money matters when they view money as love, notes Piver. "It often boils down to relationship issues. The money is just one way of talking about relationships and loyalty."

The relationship issue that sparks much turmoil in adult stepfamilies is jealousy, says Newman. This is common for offspring who had spent a lot of time with their single parent.

"Before he remarried, my dad was my main man because we were a single- parent family," says Erin Mitchell of New York. "Taking care of my dad was my role, so I was jealous of my stepmom when she took care of him [after] they got married."

When grown children feel jealous, displaced, or left out, they should take steps to stay connected to their parent, advises Newman. If a parent lives far away, call at least once a week and visit as often as possible. Also, ask the parent to spend at least some time alone with you on these visits.

Those who successfully come to terms with their parent's new relationship often gain a different - and happier - view.

That's what happened to Philips, Franks, and Mitchell. Philips says her dad's very likable lady friend brings out a new side of her dad.

The remarriage of Franks's mother introduced Franks to a stepbrother who has become her close friend.

And Mitchell - who originally felt jealous of her father's second wife - often rushes to support her stepmom.

"The most recent argument I had with my dad was about something he was doing that my stepmom didn't like," she says. "I was feeling very protective of her. Our relationship has really evolved."

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