I do, I don't, I'm not sure: modern wedding jitters

When Rachel Safier heard the news that Georgia bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks had run away, she wept. She could relate to feeling paralyzed with doubt before a wedding.

Her sense of unease about marriage - even to a man she thought was wonderful - caused all kinds of problems in the run-up to her nuptials in 2001. She lost weight, suggested they live together instead, and even told him she didn't think she could go through with it.

She was convinced that no one would understand her position. Even though anecdotal evidence suggests than there are more broken engagements or postponed weddings that people might guess (the numbers aren't tracked officially), Ms. Safier had never known anyone in those situations.

Her fiancé finally cancelled the ceremony two weeks before it was to take place. Afterward, she wrote a book that chronicled the experiences of women who've survived breakups, some of their own choosing.

Premarital nerves were once a topic as private as the honeymoon. Now, some brides and grooms want to talk about the jitters they feel before they say, "I do." Their concerns range from a gut feeling that they're not with the right person to questions about how marriage will change their lives and how much effort it will take.

Some observers suggest that marrying later in life is causing a shift in what makes women feel anxious.

"It used to be that women would generally question the marriage in terms of the attributes of the man. And now they question in terms of the attributes of the marriage itself," says Robert Butterworth, a trauma psychologist in Los Angeles. "The focus is not on the man, but the loss of independence."

That's the case for Stasia Raines, a 20-something professional in California who recently got engaged. She and her fiancé initially thought they might get married this fall, but have since decided to hold off until she works through some of her concerns. Among them, she says, has been a sense that she will lose her independence.

"That freedom is precious," says Ms. Raines, who initially felt "weird" that she was having anxiety, but has sought out other women and a counselor to help her realize her feelings are not unusual.

The number of resources available to brides who feel skittish is slowly increasing. Newspaper articles by and about people who've called off their engagements - sometimes hours before the wedding - are appearing more frequently, and Safier's book was published in 2003.

But bookstores remain largely places to find books about wedding planning.

"You're really not going to find very much about what it's like internally to go through tremendous change, self-examination, and ... what it's like to partner for the rest of your life with someone," says Dale Atkins, a psychologist and relationship expert for WeddingChannel.com.

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