Still single, in the city

For many single Americans, "Sex and the City" was the ultimate fantasy: four gorgeous women having a love affair with New York City, and dating lots of men. The occasional heartbreak was quickly followed by someone new, and finding a date could be as easy as stumbling onto the dance floor in a pair of pricey Manolo Blahniks.

But for numerous 30-somethings, the lifestyle portrayed in "Sex and the City" is just an urban myth. Their dating experiences look more like that of Wendy, a dark-haired Bostonian who wonders where all the good men are. They're not in her workplace, she says, or in her church or any of the places she goes.

Wendy isn't alone in her unsuccessful search for love. Some singles believe that because of the sheer number of people, large cities are the perfect place to meet someone special. But finding love can actually be harder in urban areas, according to a study conducted by Edward O. Laumann, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago.

Part of the challenge is that people move around more - often for jobs - so the social networks are more fragmented than in smaller towns. And becoming part of a desirable group isn't as easy.

Understanding this - and other differences in the urban dating scene - is important for city dwellers who want to find a mate.

Step 1, says Dr. Laumann, is moving from groups that focus on short-term relationships based on sex (the bar crowd, for example) to groups that have deeper, long-lasting ties.

"What is emerging as a stable pattern is people who form a group of friends who share common interests and have been together for a long time," he says. "They become a surrogate family or urban tribe."

This tribe also helps with matchmaking, according to the study. Chicagoans are twice as likely to meet their significant others through friends or family members as at a bar.

In the absence of matchmaking friends, urban singles often look to less formal groups - people they meet at the gym, the tennis club, or at art classes. These are effective since most people form relationships with someone they met because of a common interest. "They have classes together, work together; that makes it a lot easier to make a move," says Laumann.

Unmarried women in their 40s will need to master these techniques and more to find someone, Laumann says. By the time men reach 40, they typically are interested in women who are eight years their junior. That's discouraging to people such as Wendy, who will be 35 soon. She has many friends in Boston, and has asked them for help with her search. But so far, no results. [Editor's note: In the original article, two sentences were missing from the paragraph.]

Wendy sometime envies the friends she left behind in her small, close-knit hometown. Most of them married years ago. If she had stayed, would she be wed, too?

Her opportunities wouldn't be any better there, Laumann says. "Seventy percent of Americans live in urban places. If you want to recalibrate your life, you need to move where the possibilities are."

That doesn't soften the fact that Wendy's been in 14 weddings of friends so far. "I don't have faith that I'm going to meet anyone," she says. "There's a good chance that I could be one of those extra 7 million women in this country that, for some reason, won't get married."

The situation isn't quite that bleak. According to the US Census Bureau, women do outnumber men by 4 million overall. But men outnumber women in every age group through the 35-to-39 age group.

What this means, according to the Chicago findings, is that Wendy and other 30-somethings must take charge of their search for a mate.

Randy Fordice did just that when he moved to Minneapolis in 2003. "I knew people weren't just going to come up to me and say, 'Hey, you look like you're new in town.' I knew I would have to make an effort to be included in things, and I was fine with that."

Mr. Fordice did know two people in Minneapolis when he moved there, and he made new friends by buying a Minnesota Twins season ticket and chatting with other fans in the stands.

Those friends have introduced him to their friends, but Fordice, who works in public relations, doesn't rely on others to help him meet potential dates. He makes a point to smile and make eye contact with women he sees, whether he's walking his dog or shopping for groceries.

Page: 1 | 2