Love and money reshape family in China
China has gone from arranged matches to the 8-minute date in the span of one generation.
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"Singles aren't talking about marriage, lovers aren't talking about the future," as one put it. A saying among high school and college students describes a weariness with a growing pattern of "one-week" relationships: "On Monday, you send out vibes. Tuesday, you express true desire. Wednesday, you hold hands. Thursday, you sleep together. Friday, a feeling of distance sets in. Saturday, you want out. On Sunday, you start searching again."
At the same time, sex is becoming common at an ever-younger age. One college freshman who started an "innocent youth" campaign on the Internet asked visitors to the site to sign a vow of purity. But few would sign. One wrote, "If it comes to being a virgin or breaking up with my boyfriend, I won't sign it."
High-tech has made introductions easy. White collar companies now woo recruits by bragging about their weekly singles mixers. Introduction services have cropped up, advertising that clients will "find that right spouse." One service in Beijing offers four levels of matchmaking possibility, ranging from a $25 Web inspection of members to an $800 "Gold" membership featuring a party for you with booze, balloons, and an "A" list of prospective females. Yet our reporting shows that couples rarely find each other at these places. Rather, it remains friends, alumni, work, and family where marriages develop.
"Women now speak very differently about men," says Li Yinhe of CASS. "They rate them as A, B, C, or D. They find it hard to locate an A man, and much of the talk I hear is about settling for a C-group man."
Most Chinese agree the family is undergoing tremendous change. But views on what that means run the gamut. Some feel society is headed for serious disorder due to a loss of values like sacrifice, family loyalty, and fidelity. Others see a better China emerging after a period of shakeout, with greater choice and maturity.
At one level, the fight is between traditionalists and progressives. Many of the former feel that an avaricious new money culture will corrupt China and send it into uncharted waters. They see women becoming sex objects and couples devaluing each other. They see the years from 1950 to 1980 as a stable period of happiness, when moral values were predominant and families found meaning in serving the state.
"The opening up of the 1980s is only now showing itself in the way wives and husbands are chosen," says Xia Xueluan, a professor at Beijing University. "Now, when a girl meets a boy the first question is, 'Do you have a house? Do you have a car?' This causes great strains in marriages, and on husbands, to produce income. I'm worried."
Progressives feel that few Chinese want to lose recent gains like choice. Both sexes are more liberated, they feel. In the past, marriage was limited by family background. Divorce was not allowed, often not even in abusive, dead-end situations.
"In the past, there was no money and people were forced to rely on others. The choice for a better life was simple: struggle for food and shelter," says Dong Zhiying with the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences. "We all lived together and ate at the same table; we had 'salty or sweet' depending on what was available. Now you can order your own dishes."
Many in China do feel problems with the money culture are underestimated, but don't want a return to state dictates in their private lives. They feel that an obsession with grades, colleges, and jobs has led parents to ignore a traditional emphasis on good behavior, modesty, and politeness. They are troubled by studies showing rising levels of early teen sex and recent cases of teens involved in homicides. They want a form of new moral education that teaches a humane social contract.
