A fresh definition of inheritance comes into vogue

"We can see our financial wealth, and we do a good job in this society of managing and transmitting that wealth - but [ethical wills are about] your stories, your wisdom ... what you love and what you feel," she said to her small audience, which ranged in age from 40s to 80s. "How do we transmit this kind of personal wealth?"

On the green chalkboard, she wrote a few starter sentences to get them thinking about what they most wanted to share: "I love... I value... I am committed to... I believe..."

During the writing exercise, octogenarian Eunice Manduca alternated between thoughtful gazing and fast-paced notetaking. "Just seeing the list [of questions] makes you think about things you haven't thought of in years," she said with a smile of wonderment. It's too late to recover some of her late husband's family history - all she knows is that they were from Italy - but she wants to give her seven children as much knowledge of their heritage as she can.

Other participants say their grown children have been asking them for years to record their personal stories and the wisdom they have gleaned. And one says she especially wants to share how she's seen God working in her life on a daily basis, evidenced by what she calls "IBMs - itty-bitty miracles."

When the Arnzens were settling their parents' estates, they wished they had had a more personal document to help keep in the forefront what the material possessions symbolized. They also wanted to convey to their children how much they cherish marriage - and their support for any life partnership the children choose in the future if it's based on true love and commitment. Their ethical will includes the story of how Lani's mother paused before giving her blessing to their engagement, to make Breck promise he would never intentionally hurt her in any way.

"If we were not there to extract that promise from [our children's] intended spouses," Peterson-Arnzen says, "[we hope] that they would value themselves strongly enough that they wouldn't settle for anyone who didn't respect them and care for them physically, emotionally, spiritually.... We shared so many values in that one story."

• Randy Dotinga contributed to this story from San Diego.

"Ethical wills can't cover everything, but they can capture the spark of your soul," says Susan Turnbull, a workshop leader who helps write what are also known as "personal legacy letters."

The contents (and length) will depend on the intended audience and when the writer plans to share the letter. But to get started, Ms. Turnbull suggests considering questions such as these:

• What do you want your loved ones to know about your family history?

• What is your vision for your heirs' use of their inheritance?

• Have you made mistakes for which you want to ask forgiveness? Or is there forgiveness you want to offer?

• Why have you made certain decisions about your estate, such as donating a portion of it to charity?

• How does your use of money reflect your most important values?

• What are some values and life lessons you'd like to share regarding education, the workplace, marriage, and parenting?

• What have your friendships meant to you over the years?

Websites:

Your Ethical Will, maintained by Susan Turnbull, www.yourethicalwill.com

Ethicalwill.com, maintained by Barry Baines, www.ethicalwill.com

Books:

"Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper," by Barry Baines; "Women's Lives, Women's Legacies: Passing Your Beliefs and Blessings to Future Generations," by Rachel Freed.

More advice:

Guidelines for preparing an ethical will are also available by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Jewish Ethical Wills Society, 8673 Flamingo Dr., Boca Raton, FL 33496

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