Where gay unions are legal, what lessons?

Another issue still to be resolved involves government registrars who perform same-sex marriages. A few have claimed the right to be excused, citing religious beliefs. Currently, they can refuse to marry a same-sex couple. But the issue is producing fierce debates in many local councils, says Henk Beerten, chairman of COC Netherlands, a gay and lesbian organization. He adds, "Some councils simply refuse to grant this exception."

Next spring the Ministry of Internal Affairs is expected to release a paper on the relationship among the fundamental freedoms - speech, religion, and the right not to be discriminated against - that are guaranteed by Article 1 of the Dutch Constitution. Gay couples claim the right not to be discriminated against, while some registrars believe their freedom of religion gives them the right to refuse to marry same-sex couples.

One town did not renew the contract of a registrar who said she would not be available for same-sex marriages. The woman appealed. "We still don't know if she has the right to invoke her conscience," Waaldijk says.

Adoption remains another legal issue. Same-sex couples can adopt children in the Netherlands, but usually not from abroad. Mr. Beerten thinks it is essential for homosexualparents to be able to adopt each other's children. If one partner dies, the other would have legal rights over the children.

When the subject turns to divorce, Dutch observers say it is too early to track the breakup of same-sex marriages. Beerten thinks gay divorce rates will probably parallel those for straight marriages.

Despite widespread tolerance for same-sex marriage in the Netherlands, opposition exists.

Peter Kohnen, spokesman for the Dutch Bishops' Conference, reiterates the Roman Catholic position, saying, "The institution of marriage needs to be exclusively reserved for the relationship between a man and a woman." Even so, he finds that in general "people want the church to bless these kinds of relationships, as the church blesses normal marriages."

Other churches also oppose gay marriage but accept it as a reality now that the law has changed, Beerten says. While fundamentalist religious groups are opposed, only a small percentage of the stricter Protestant political parties still think it should be abolished, Waaldijk says.

The Reformed Political Party, a conservative Christian party, opposed gay marriage during parliamentary debates. "We base our view on the Bible," says spokeswoman Rudi Biemond. "According to the Bible, same-sex marriage is not allowed."

Now, two years later, she expresses a tolerance that has become common. "I don't see that the outcome of the debate gives big problems in our society," she says. Calling Dutch culture "very individualistic," she adds, "Most people look on it as, it's not for me, but if people want it...."

One evening, when van der Laan and her husband attended an AIDS fundraiser, they were seated at a table with eight gay men, all married. "It was very interesting for me to be in a minority as a heterosexual," she says. "It's the first time I realized what it's like to be in the minority. In a democratic society, how we deal with our minorities is a measure of how civilized we are. Homosexuals are a minority."

At the same time, van der Laan understands the need for widespread debate on the subject. She sees advantages in the Dutch approach, which involved a parliamentary vote rather than a judicial ruling.

"The way we did it was getting a parliamentary majority," she explains. "It was quite broadly carried. It's a little different when elected political leaders decide what the next step will be, rather than judges. You need to be very sure that you have public support for this. Public support is very important."

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