Shaping the future of marriage

Many sociologists, therapists, and policymakers have come to agree in recent years on the latter view. They argue marriage retains profound import - and in particular provides important benefits when children are cared for by married parents. This view, advocated by liberals and conservatives, religious and nonreligious thinkers alike, has coalesced into the marriage movement.

Two heartening signs cheer marriage advocates: Some of the dire trends on divorce and single parenthood have recently stabilized; and young Americans express a strong desire for marriage in an enduring form.

"We've done surveys that demonstrate how deeply young people - the vast majority - yearn for marriage and want it to last a lifetime," says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, codirector of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. "They lament the absence of good information and role models, and the question always is, 'How do you do this?' "

With the cultural environment weighing heavily against enduring marriage - from media promotion of sex without commitment, to hyper-individualism, to easy no-fault divorce - promoting countervalues is crucial, some say.

Commitment, perseverance, mutual regard and selflessness, and putting a premium on communication are some of the values seen as key to restoring a healthier marriage.

Unfortunately, "we're in an age of consumer marriage - this comes out not in people's stated values, but when their marriage is troubled," says Dr. Doherty. "Then they start asking, 'Is this meeting my needs? Am I getting what I deserve?' " In his book "Take Back Your Marriage," the therapist details how to identify and resist consumer values in family relationships.

"Permanent commitment is really the linchpin of marriage," Doherty insists, along with perseverance through hard times. In a study of people whose marriages had been troubled but were saved, he says a main point was that "they put one foot ahead of the other and persevered, often outlasting the problem."

Similarly, Richard Land, of the Southern Baptist Convention, points to a University of Chicago study involving people who had described their marriage as "unhappy" or "very unhappy." Of those who divorced, only 19 percent were happily remarried five years later. Of those who stayed in the marriage, more than 70 percent said they were now "happily" or "very happily" married.

Yet such commitment surprises people today, Dr. Land adds. When his son recently got married, at the end of their vows the couple said, "Whatever happens, I will never divorce you."

"There were gasps in the audience," Land says, although it was a very religious group.

One reason people choose to live together rather than marry is a bad past experience with marriage, says Dorian Solot, of the Alternatives to Marriage Project. Yet "commitment, stability, love, and respect are values we advocate, too."

Don Browning, of the University of Chicago Divinity School, emphasizes the importance of learning "equal regard" and mutuality along with the spiritual value, giving of self. Americans need to apply these values both to the personal bond and to communal support for marriage, he says.

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