The other battle: coming home

The growing independence of spouses, most of whom are women, can give rise to tensions when husbands return. He's used to giving orders. She's been coping alone for months and knows she can make it on her own. Under such circumstances, arguments can escalate into domestic violence. Soldiers and spouses meeting with Chaplain Mauck have acknowledged problems with domestic violence as well as concerns it might happen, he says.

Divorce is also more likely after a deployment, especially if the relationship was already troubled. "Dear John" situations are common, says Mauck, where the wife will find someone else, initiate divorce, and grant custody of the children to her husband. Indeed, the percentage of single parents in the military has risen 60 percent since 1990, with most of them men."

"Some of these guys have been gone more than they've been home. What surprises me is that marital breakups don't happen more," Mauck says.

More widespread than divorce or domestic abuse, Laura says, is a feeling of bitterness among wives over their husbands' prolonged absence. "The unfairness of life bubbles up, and the husbands come home, and the woman says - OK, I'm gone," she says. "They go to have time for themselves, to the mall, to the movies, and meanwhile the kids are climbing all over Dad and sucking the oxygen out of him."

To overcome such problems, couples must often "renegotiate" their entire relationship. Those with sound marriages, such as the Batsons, are better able to do this. "In the past, I probably didn't do my fair share around the house," Bryan Batson admits, saying he is willing to wash more dishes. Laura, also, says she must remember to let Bryan make decisions regarding the children again, after she's played the role of mother and father for so long.

Meanwhile, both realize it will only be a matter of time before he deploys again. "This has to be a calling," says Laura. "I have to make peace with that, and sacrifice."

Sgt. Maj. Robert Howell shakes his commander's hand, salutes, and steps off a stone platform following his promotion ceremony. Dew glistens on the parade field, and the June air feels steamy in the mid-morning sun. He smiles and embraces his wife, Monique, and their two sons.

It is a proud yet bittersweet moment for Sergeant Major Howell, who returned from Iraq in early June.

Surrounding him is the "rock garden" of boulder-like monuments to fallen 3rd Infantry Division soldiers from the last century's major wars. Soon, Howell knows, another stone will be placed here to honor men, his comrades among them, who died in Iraq.

Howell carries his share of "emotional baggage" from the war, Monique says. The fear, the regret for innocent loss of life, the guilt over soldiers still facing daily attacks in Iraq. And while he's changed, so has his family. His boys are taller, and his wife more independent than ever.

Indeed, like many soldiers, Howell realizes that he'll never truly come home to life as he left it.

Still, having risked death, he and many others return with a deeper appreciation for living. Gilmartin enjoys watching sunsets over the beach. Batson is more grateful for the resourcefulness of his wife. And, today at least, Howell looks ahead to a future full of potential.

"You take a big, deep breath, knowing you hit the ground," he says.

"You appreciate being an American. You appreciate freedom. It's kind of like a rebirth."

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