More teens have sex and fewer parents know

"The real take-home message here is that even if young adolescents look grown-up and are pushing to act grown-up, they're not," says Sarah Brown, director of the National Campaign in Washington.

The advice experts offer about when to start talking about intimacy could make some parents bristle. Dr. Resnick says that as soon as children start asking questions, which could be as young as 3 years old, parents should be engaging them in thoughtful, although age-appropriate, conversations.

"Kids are so good at giving us the impression that they are more worldly and sophisticated than generations past - and they do have a superficial sophistication because of their level of exposure," he says. "But the process of normal adolescent development is still the same, in that kids slowly develop the ability to interpret, to think abstractly and project their thinking into the future. That's why parents are needed now more than ever."

"Michelle," a tall, lean 14-year-old, now believes she's extremely fortunate to have both a grandmother and several mentors who are able to help her navigate through the world. She has a boyfriend who is two years older than she. They had talked about waiting, but nine months ago, they decided they wouldn't.

"It was just in that moment," she says. They used a condom that first time. And as soon as her grandmother learned that Michelle was active, she got her on birth control. But when the counselors in the after-school program she attends learned what was up, they challenged her.

"[Mahisha] asked me if I could stop, and I said yes, and I did," she says. Mahisha Sapp is a counselor at the Blossom Program in Brooklyn. She spent a lot of time talking to Michelle about the emotional consequences of her behavior - and that had an effect. Michelle decided not to have sex again until she's older and sure she's with the right person.

"I don't really have to do that to become a woman," she says.

Michelle also wishes now that she had waited. That's not uncommon: The National Campaign study found that 81 percent of sexually active 12- to 14-year-olds wish they had waited.

"A lot of these teens that do have sex at an early age are prime candidates for further abstinence messages," says Jennifer Manlove, a senior researcher at the Child Trends, a research organization in Washington.

That's the message that Natalia Wagner is determined to get across to lawmakers when she goes to Washington next month as a youth leader on teen-pregnancy issues. It's also what she tells the parents and other adults that she comes across in her work.

"Talk to your kids, be comfortable with the subject of sex, because if you're not comfortable with it, they won't be," she says. "And if they're not comfortable talking to you, make sure they know there are other people that can give them the resources they need to help them to make healthy decisions."

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