Tough times call for strong parents

The current generation of young Americans has been blessed with a happy childhood. This generation, often called the millennials has - until Sept. 11, 2001 - enjoyed an epoch of unprecedented peace and prosperity. They have come to expect that life will only get better, simply because it always has.

Now, they are faced with a war. They are bombarded with its horrific images of death, destruction, and suffering. They hear whispers foretelling retaliatory terrorism, frayed international relations, and economic collapse.

What are we, their parents and caretakers, supposed to tell them now that their high expectations of comfort and security are in jeopardy? How are we supposed to put on a brave face when we don't feel very courageous?

Some historical perspective may help.

The reality is that these tough times - despite the current war and its attendant anxieties - are no worse, and are probably less daunting, than the tough times faced by the majority of American children who came of age during the first half of the 20th century (not to mention children who were born into current strife around the world).

It is humbling to speak to elderly people about their lives. I am struck by how little they complain. Despite the hardships they've endured, many whom I've met lack today's endemic self-pity. They tend to sound the same theme: Life may have been hard, but that was just part of living.

I am inspired by a storyformer Sen. George McGovern told me about his father who, after the family lost all its money when a local bank failed during the Great Depression, sat down with his family and said: "It's only money. We'll survive."

I take the senior McGovern as a role model as I struggle to be a good father to my two young millennials. Senator McGovern's tale helped me realize that one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is to be strong for them, even when they may feel weak.

A woman I interviewed, Prudence Paine, remembers her mother's strength during the German bombing of Britain during World War II.

"I never saw her cry. What she did privately, I don't know. I always felt safe, very safe. She never transmitted her fear to me," she told me. "She always stressed that we were together, and that was what was important. She didn't let me know that there was something terrible going on. I was very aware that on Sept. 11 - we were working here [at school] - we weren't supposed to tell the children what was going on ... it was horrible for us because we had to be the best actors in the world, pretending that we were having a normal day and that everything was fine. That's what my mother must have done, day in, day out. The strain must have been horrible."

Social-science researchers confirm the importance to children of their parents showing grace under pressure. Nearly all parents of toddlers have had the experience of being with their child when she falls down. If the fall isn't a bad one - that is, if the child isn't in significant pain - she'll look up at her parent. The child takes her cue from Mom or Dad. If the parent looks scared, the child will be frightened. If the parent conveys the sense that everything is OK, the child will usually respond in kind.

How can a parent summon this inner calm when a war storm rages? There are two wells from which parents have historically drawn strength, although these wells are less deep than they were in generations past.

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