When Cupid keeps missing

Debra Lund has a complaint this Valentine's Day, one that millions of unmarried Americans would echo: Cupid has gone AWOL.

Ms. Lund never intended to join the ranks of the long-single when she graduated from college. She assumed she would follow a typical pattern: work for a year or two, marry, and have children. But as years slipped by, that little gold ring continued to elude her. The only certainty was her career.

Now, more than 20 Valentine's Days later, Lund, public relations director for Franklin Covey in Salt Lake City, is still waiting to meet the right man. "I never thought I would still be single at my age," she says.

Many others who long to be married are also wondering, What happened?

Singles now account for a record 40 percent of adults in the United States. And the number of "never-marrieds" has doubled in less than 30 years, making them one of the fastest-growing groups. Nearly 21 million Americans between the ages of 25 and 44 have never walked down the aisle.

That adds up to more than a third of those in the 25-to-34 age group and 16 percent of those from 35 to 44. Only China and India have more single adults.

As Lund, who is writing a book called "Single But Not Alone," considers this vast pool of 80 million singles, she and others questionwhy the search for love seems so much harder now than it was for their parents. They long for the three C's of domesticity - commitment, companionship, and children.

Cohabitation has reshaped the marital landscape in ways that are well documented. But for many, the problem is much more basic: The traditional hunting grounds for love just aren't as plentiful as they once were. And some of them have completely disappeared.

College, once a place to pursue the proverbial "Mrs." degree, now serves mostly as a stepping-stone to careers. The business world has its limits as a place to meet a potential mate. Co-workers gossip. Bosses raise eyebrows. As Tara Rogers, a communications director in Columbus, Ohio, notes, "Flirting is often awkward at work, where professional conduct is expected."

Looking for a mate has turned into a do-it-yourself project, with little support from society, according to Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, author of a new book, "Why There Are No Good Men Left."

Although she uses her title ironically - she believes there are many good men left - she says, "It's striking the degree to which we now expect single adults to be entrepreneurial in their mating search. They must mount a personal campaign. It becomes a lonely pursuit."

Lonely - and confusing. As they look for Prince or Princess Charming, some singles head for 21st-century mating grounds - personals ads, online dating services, matchmakers, and musical-chairs speed-dating events, which pair couples for several minutes at a time.

Yet obstacles remain. Singles hoping to move from "date" to "mate" sometimes find pervasive cultural attitudes working against permanent companionship. Like tiny moths, these attitudes nibble away at the fabric of a relationship, destroying the possibility forlove.

Perfectionism, fueled by fairy-tale images of the ideal mate, can also be fatal to lasting love. The search for Mr. or Ms. Right has turned into a quest for Mr. or Ms. Perfect, who doesn't exist.

"We're taught that you can always do better, and you should never 'settle,' " says a public relations executive in New York who asks to be identified only by her first name, Hillary. "You find one little thing wrong with this person [you're dating] and you say, 'OK, move on.' That's why divorce rates are so high. Nobody wants to work with what they have."

Page: 1 | 2 | 3